Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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Heard this one on the way to work today on the Dennis Miller Show. . . I just about drove off the road. . .
@unknownuser said:
The owner of a monkey was outside of an IKEA store looking for his lost Rhesus Monkey. The animal in question was eventually captured by Animal Control Services and taken to a shelter, to be later given to a children's zoo. The Owner protested with the argument saying that Darwin, the name of the afformentioned primate, should be allowed TO CHOOSE where he would like to ultimately reside, whether it be with him or stay in the shelter.
The AC officer agreed and they went to visit Darwin in his cage. When asked what his preference was the Monkey scrawled the walls of his cage with his own Fecal Residue. . .
"Darwin like European Minimalist Style furniture at affordable prices"
That laid me out. . .
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**A British guide was leading a group of American tourists through Runnymede.
"It was here,” he announced, “that Magna Carta was sealed.”
“When?” asked one of the tourists.
“1215,” said the guide.
“Dammit,” said the tourist, glancing at his watch. “We missed it by a half an hour.”**
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A young cowboy from Southern Alberta goes off to University.
Half way through the semester, having foolishly
squandered all his money .... he calls home."Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at the University that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?" "Just send him here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the National Post, like he usually does". "Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?" The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!" The kid went on to law school, and is now a Liberal MP seeking re-election. -
Stick your tongue out.
Move it to the left.
Move it all the way over to the right.
Pull it back in.
Stick it back out.
Move it down as far is it will go.
Push it up as far as it will go.
Congratulations..
You have just completed the Steven Hawkins keep fit video.
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It is a sad and disappointing day when you realise your Universal remote control does not control the Universe.. Not even remotely...!
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I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help!
His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.
When he came back he handed her some diet pills.
Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him?
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Any Brits or Irish got any decent supermarket horsemeat jokes, or have they run their course? What's next, I wonder...my Lidl Pony...UniQuorn in the veggie burgers?
A duck walks into a post office and asks the man behind the counter: 'Do you have any corn?' The man answers politely: 'No, we don't have any corn here.' The next day, the duck enters again and asks: 'Do you have any corn?' Annoyed, the man answers: 'No! We don't have any corn.' This goes on for a couple of days until finally, when the duck asks 'Do you have any corn?', the man gets so upset he yells: 'NO! For the last time we don't have any corn, and if you ask again I'll nail your beak to the counter!' The next day, the duck returns and asks: 'Do you have any nails?' The man answers: 'No.' Then the duck asks: 'Do you have any corn?'
A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my backside.' The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.
The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.
They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?' -
Horse Jokes
If you think the horse burgers were good, you should try the meat balls......
They are the dogs B*****ks
I enjoyed my tesco horse burger, but still prefer my lidl pony
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A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon,
he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking
questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking
children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection,
a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said,
"I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are
supposed to call the doctor." It took over ten minutes for the congregation to
settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued. -
- Dad, did you see my book on the secret of long life?
- I have burnt it.
- But why???
- My mother-in-law has been reading it too much lately.
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I think I would probably have read my textbooks if they had these
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A young man walks in to talk to his Pastor about a problem he's having at home. He tells the pastor that he keeps bringing girls home to meet his parents, but that his mom never likes ANY of the girls he brings home.
So the Pastor gives him some sage advice and says "You need to find someone who is more like your mom. Someone who acts like her, likes similar things, even looks and sounds sort of like her." The boy says ok, and goes on his way.
The next week the boy comes back and looks even more confused and sad. The Pastor asked him what had happened. He said "Well, I did it. I found a girl who is sooo similar to my mom. I brought her home, and my mom loved her."
The Pastor said "Well then, what's the problem?"
"My dad hated her!"
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Bubba rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Bubba, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
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Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
Dear Desperate:
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.WAV files. DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as Boob Job 3.6D and that old standby...Lingerie 6.9 (which have both been credited with improved performance of his hardware).
Good Luck,
Tech Support
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Monica Lewinsky Update
After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked
in a mirror...remembering her time with Bill Clinton.Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her.
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help...
"God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.And just like that, her ears fell off!
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Did you hear about the tragic fire at the shoe factory?
500 soles were lost.
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Hope this wasn't already posted ...
*A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?" she asked.
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing is an hour fast."*
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Not a joke so much as just a question: from a writer I enjoy reading. . .
"Why did the explorers who discovered King Kong make such a huge deal about a big gorilla but not care one bit that they also found a thriving dinosaur population? hmmm .
**Guy 1: Oh my heck!! Look at the huge monkey!
Guy 2: Where!?!
Guy 1: Over there, behind that herd of brontosauruses, just to the right of the T-Rex.
Guy 2: oh yeah. . .Cool!
Guy 1: Hey! Let's kill all these pesky dinosaurs so we can capture the gorilla and we'll make a fortune when we bring it back to New York City.**
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Ryanair's Micheal O'Leary arrives in a hotel in Dublin, he goes to the bar and asks for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"
"That is remarkable value" Michael comments
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours.
That will be 3 euro please.
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. - You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."
"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir"
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro."
O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.
"Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"
"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second"
"I will never use this bar again
"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro"
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