Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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If a turtle loses its shell is it naked or homeless?
If fire fighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight???
If nothing sticks to teflon, then how do they make teflon stick to the pan?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear seatbelts?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If love is blind, then why is lingere so popular?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If a black box flight recorder is never damaged in a plane crash, why dont they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If most car accidents occur within 5 kilometers of home, then why doesnt every one just move 5 k's away?
Why are psychics still working if they all know the winning lottery numbers?
If you try to fail, but you succeed, which have you done? -
@unknownuser said:
If a turtle loses its shell is it naked or homeless?
As far as the Turtle is concerned. . .it's all semantics.
just ask this guy.
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Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
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Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue.Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!Q. Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS are going to merge?
A. Yeah. They're going to call it FED UP!Q. What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
A. The car salesman can probably drive!"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. -
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WE'LL YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
"MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GREY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,'HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?
''YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT A$$, GREY-HAIRED, DECREPIT, SON-OF-A-Beech ASKED;
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'
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@unknownuser said:
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'
And well, I was born in '65 - will have a reunion next month
I'll have to remember this joke! -
upI
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You can Tune a Piano, But you can’t Tuna Fish..
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.
A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road, poultry in motion.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I’ll show you A-flat miner..
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
A calendar’s days are numbered.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa’s little helpers are subordinate clauses.
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oh alan, those were truly scraping the barrel.
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Weren't they though?
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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I’d like to ride in that airplane.”
Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 bucks, and 50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, “Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane I might never get another chance.”
Esther replied, “Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 bucks, and 50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you; but if you say one word it’s 50 bucks.”
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Morris replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out of the airplane, but 50 bucks is 50 bucks....
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@utiler said:
“Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out of the airplane, but 50 bucks is 50 bucks....
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what is it you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic ?
Someone who stays up all night, wondering whether there's a dog.
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Man on his Deathbed:
Darling. (gasp) Now that I am dying. . .there's something I need to get off of my chest. (gasp)
I -- cheated -- on -- you . I 've had a long affair with my secratary. . . . .(cough cough gasp)Wife: I know dear. That's why I shot you.
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LETTER SENT TO AN AGONY AUNT
Dear Abby,
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My
wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I
ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't
know them.I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I
usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my
wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last
night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her. Around
midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good
view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with
'the girls.'When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, and she
took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that
moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack
where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
pro-shop where I bought it?Regards,
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Remus, now that's a funny one!
Thanks for sharing.
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Ole and Lena were having dinner one night when suddenly, Lena choked on a piece of food. Ole tried but he couldn't save her. He called the undertaker to come pick her up. the undertaker asked, "Where do you live?"
Ole replied, "Eucalyptus Street."
"Can you spell that?"
Ole paused for a moment and then said, "How 'bout I yust drag 'er over ta Oak Street und you pick 'er up there?"
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Little Johnny:
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" Little JOHNNY raised his hand and said, "Holy Shi!! A talking pig!'"
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