Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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Weren't they though?
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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I’d like to ride in that airplane.”
Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 bucks, and 50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, “Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane I might never get another chance.”
Esther replied, “Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 bucks, and 50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you; but if you say one word it’s 50 bucks.”
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Morris replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out of the airplane, but 50 bucks is 50 bucks....
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@utiler said:
“Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out of the airplane, but 50 bucks is 50 bucks....
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what is it you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic ?
Someone who stays up all night, wondering whether there's a dog.
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Man on his Deathbed:
Darling. (gasp) Now that I am dying. . .there's something I need to get off of my chest. (gasp)
I -- cheated -- on -- you . I 've had a long affair with my secratary. . . . .(cough cough gasp)Wife: I know dear. That's why I shot you.
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LETTER SENT TO AN AGONY AUNT
Dear Abby,
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My
wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I
ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't
know them.I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I
usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my
wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last
night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her. Around
midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good
view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with
'the girls.'When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, and she
took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that
moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack
where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
pro-shop where I bought it?Regards,
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Remus, now that's a funny one!
Thanks for sharing.
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Ole and Lena were having dinner one night when suddenly, Lena choked on a piece of food. Ole tried but he couldn't save her. He called the undertaker to come pick her up. the undertaker asked, "Where do you live?"
Ole replied, "Eucalyptus Street."
"Can you spell that?"
Ole paused for a moment and then said, "How 'bout I yust drag 'er over ta Oak Street und you pick 'er up there?"
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Little Johnny:
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" Little JOHNNY raised his hand and said, "Holy Shi!! A talking pig!'"
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
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Jack and Bill meet at the course for a round of golf and Jack brings his little mutt terrier with him. On the first tee, Jack blasts one down the fairway, straight and long, for a huge shot. The terrier, after witnessing this feat, begins running around in circles all excited and yelping like crazy.
"Wow, your dog really knows how to comment on a great shot." says Bill.
"Yeah, he does flips when I hit a bad shot.""Really! How many can he do?"
"It all depends on how hard I kick him." [:o)..........
a blonde goes in to a appliance store and asks the sales clerk "how much is that TV?"
the clerk says "sorry we dont sell to blondes"
the next day she comes in with brown hair and asks the clerk "how much for that tv?"
again the cleark says "sorry we dont sell to blondes"
she comes in this time with red hair asking about the same Tv
yet again the clerk says "sorry we dont sell to blondes"
in a huff the blonde begins to yell and scream "how can you even tell i am a blonde?
the clerk responds "cause its a microwave
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Ole, a furniture dealer from Stoughton (That's in Wisconsin), decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Ole couldn't understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Ole has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business
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An Arizona woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.
The Arizona woodpecker said Arizona had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Texas woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Arizona woodpecker was amazed.
The Texas woodpecker then challenged the Arizona woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that was absolutely im-peckable (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Arizona woodpecker expressed confidence, said he could do it and accepted the challenge.
So the two flew to Texas where the Arizona woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called im-peckable tree with no problem.
Both woodpeckers were terribly confused. How is it that the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Arizona tree and the Arizona woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own State????
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently your pecker gets harder when you're away from home. -
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 100 years ago.Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, in
California an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly
after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: ' California
archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have
concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'One week later, The Montgomery Advertiser, a local newspaper in Alabama,
reported the following:After digging as deep as 300 feet in his pasture near Pine Level,
Autauga County Alabama, Bubba Mitchell, a self-taught archaeologist,
reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded
that 300 years ago, Alabama had already gone wireless.Thank goodness for Bubba. Who said Alabamians were hicks?
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Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Bev to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Bev saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Walt was finished, Bev asked 'How much for that faucet?'
Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'
My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!' Bev exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, 'Bev, you wanna screw for that hinge?'
Bev replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot
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Why Men Do Not Write Advice Columns. . .
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile
down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't
believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the woman from next door. I am
32, my husband is 34, and we have been ma rried twelve ye ars.When I confronted him, he broke down and a dmitted they had been having an
affair for the last six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He
was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling
increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I
gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to
counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you
please help?Sincerely,
Betsy
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Dear Betsy:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety
of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the
fuel line.I hope this helps.
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I just quit my job at the tiddly winks factory, it was counter-productive.
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I was forced to leave my last job at a prosthetics factory.
I tried to sue in an industrial court, but i didnt have a leg to stand on.
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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," the woman replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk.""I know,"she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
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