Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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Letter from Sir Archibald Clerk Kerr (HM Ambassador Moscow 1943) to Lord Pembroke (Foreign Office London):
"My Dear Reggie,
In these dark days man tends to look for a little shaft of light that spill from Heaven. My days are probably darker then yours, and I need my God I do, all the light I can get. But I am a decent fellow, and I do not want to be mean and selfish about what little brightness is shed upon me from time to time. So I propose to share with you a tiny flash that has illuminated my somber life and tell you that God has given me a new Turkish colleague whose card tells me that he is called Mustapha Kunt.We all feel like that, Reggie, now and then, especially when spring is upon us, but few of us would care to put it on our cards. It takes a Turk to do that."
C.K HM Ambassador
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THE SILVER SCREW
Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a silver screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do.
Like it or not, he was stuck with it . . . He was screwed.
All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided leaving his house . . . And thus, never made any friends.
One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a monk in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal
After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The monk knew exactly why he had come. The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.
During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window. In the mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.
The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed . . . And his butt fell off.
The moral to this is:
'Don't screw around with things you don't understand -- You could lose your ass.' ---- Congress is noted for screwing around with things they don't understand - like the economy. That's why we are all losing our asses!
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Some human statistics
- Food needs about 5-10 seconds to reach your stomach when swallowing.
- A single hair can hold about 3 kgs / 6 lbs.
- A man's penis is about three times as big as his thumb.
- Human bone is more stable than concrete.
- Women's hearts beat faster than men's.
- there are about 1 billion bacteria on a foot.
- Women wink about twice as often than men.
- The skin of an average human weighs about twice as much as his/her brain.
- A body needs about 300 muscles to stand still.
- If you are a woman, you are tired of reading.
- If you are a man, you are still comparing your penis to your thumb.
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and thousands of citizens run in terror!
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Or "error"?
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@gaieus said:
Some human statistics
[*]If you are a man, you are still comparing your penis to your thumb.[/list]
I wonder if that is thumbs up or thumbs down ....
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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. Now take off my stockings.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.'
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said,
'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'(I didn't see it coming either)
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You have to read the whole story to discover the fall down (That's we say in french !)
A short one :
A well known entomologist is facing students, and tries to explain them that insect's ears are localized on legs. In order to demonstrate that fact, he takes a domesticated wing's less fly, cuts 2 of its 6 legs and asks it to jump. The animal does a small jump, our scientist corroborates the link between legs and ears. To be absolutely sure, he takes out a second pair of legs and the fly jumps shortly less than previously.. and so on. At the end, the fly is lying legless on the table,and can't move despite the order given to jump that leads our
professor to infer that fly without legs are deaf.MALAISE
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Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them..
He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot. -
In a small quaint picturesque Village, in some Small Picturesque European country a group of Kindly, jovial rotund monks established a monestary. To sustain themselves they would grow and sell beautiful flowers and vegatables of all varieties. Exotic Varieties, that the villagers had never seen before and were just completely Enchanted by.
One day, one of the monks, a Brother Dominic developed a new exotic flower with a heavenly aroma and beautiful colors, and it was of an ENOURMOUS size. The teacher of the local school brought all the village children to the monestary to gaze in wonderment at this spectacular new creation. Unfortunately, the flower blossom leaned over and GOBBLED up all the village children. IT WAS A MAN-EATING PLANT!!!!
With pitchforks and Torches in hand a group of parents came to drive the monks away, but they too were eaten by this hideous monster plant. ATtempt after attempt of the locals to drive these wicked monks from the village failed. IT was getting out of control!!!
So the Burgermeisters and Town Counselours got together and decided to send the toughest burliest man in the village to deal with the threat. Hugh, the village Blacksmith. With tools and weapons in hand, he Hewed down the beast and drove the evil Monks from the Village forever. So it only goes to show. . .
wait for it. . .
Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.
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I'm embarrassed for you
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hey . .. now THAT"S Comedy!
Actually I heard that one when I was about 9 years old.
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A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.
The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.
“Tell me,” said he, “if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?’
The inmate said, “It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful.”
“Marvelous,” said the head of the institution.
“Or else,” ruminated the inmate. “I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one’s life in bringing up a new generation of scientists.”
“Absolutely,” said the head.
“Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution.”
“An interesting possibility,” said the head.
“And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle.”
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CONFESSION
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a
loose girl'.The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and
behave yourself.'Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.
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Q. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A. A roaming catholic
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