Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked, “How do you decide if a patient should be institutionalized.”
"Well," said the Director, "we fill a bath, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I see," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?" -
two guys walk into a bar..
you'd think one of them would've seen it...
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Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and asks "So, do you know how to drive this thing?".
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Two dyslexics walk into a bra.
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2 ballerinas walk in to a barre. . .
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@jackson said:
Two dyslexics walk into a bra.
An old VP of mine tried to convince me that dyslexics have daily sex
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The scene opens in a cheap motel.
Laying together side by side in bed are a chicken and an egg.
The chicken rolls over, lites a smoke and says.....
"Well I guess that answers that question, doesn't it." -
@dale said:
The scene opens in a cheap motel.
Laying together side by side in bed are a chicken and an egg.
The chicken rolls over, lites a smoke and says.....
"Well I guess that answers that question, doesn't it."hmm.. i guess they now know the answer.. i still don't know which one came first..
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I guess by the fact that the chicken mentioned it, with a degree of sarcasm I should add, we can assume the egg came first.
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A statistician was laying with his head in the oven and feet in the freezer. On the average, he felt fine.
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Letter from Sir Archibald Clerk Kerr (HM Ambassador Moscow 1943) to Lord Pembroke (Foreign Office London):
"My Dear Reggie,
In these dark days man tends to look for a little shaft of light that spill from Heaven. My days are probably darker then yours, and I need my God I do, all the light I can get. But I am a decent fellow, and I do not want to be mean and selfish about what little brightness is shed upon me from time to time. So I propose to share with you a tiny flash that has illuminated my somber life and tell you that God has given me a new Turkish colleague whose card tells me that he is called Mustapha Kunt.We all feel like that, Reggie, now and then, especially when spring is upon us, but few of us would care to put it on our cards. It takes a Turk to do that."
C.K HM Ambassador
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THE SILVER SCREW
Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a silver screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do.
Like it or not, he was stuck with it . . . He was screwed.
All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided leaving his house . . . And thus, never made any friends.
One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a monk in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal
After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The monk knew exactly why he had come. The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.
During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window. In the mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.
The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed . . . And his butt fell off.
The moral to this is:
'Don't screw around with things you don't understand -- You could lose your ass.' ---- Congress is noted for screwing around with things they don't understand - like the economy. That's why we are all losing our asses!
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Some human statistics
- Food needs about 5-10 seconds to reach your stomach when swallowing.
- A single hair can hold about 3 kgs / 6 lbs.
- A man's penis is about three times as big as his thumb.
- Human bone is more stable than concrete.
- Women's hearts beat faster than men's.
- there are about 1 billion bacteria on a foot.
- Women wink about twice as often than men.
- The skin of an average human weighs about twice as much as his/her brain.
- A body needs about 300 muscles to stand still.
- If you are a woman, you are tired of reading.
- If you are a man, you are still comparing your penis to your thumb.
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and thousands of citizens run in terror!
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Or "error"?
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