Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
-
One more. . .
%(#BF0000)[A young lady came home, squeeling her tires as she turned into the driveway and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs;"Honey, pack your bags. I won the Mega Millions lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my HECK!!! That is Terrific! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."]
-
-
oh . . did you post that one already. Sorry. Well it's a good one. Worth retelling.
-
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," he replied, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
-
I'm from Alaska, but "transplanted" to Idaho. In December of 1990 I was sitting in a bar in Haines, waiting for the Inland Ferry, when I struck up a conversation with another guy there. One beer led to another, and soon he told this joke. It's a bit long, but has been one of my favorites since the telling...
On a small pond in Alaska lived a flock of ducks. One fine spring, the flock had a number of ducklings born to them. Through the rest of the spring, and into summer, the elder ducks taught the ducklings the ways of duckdom, swimming, foraging for food, flying and most importantly, how to be part of the duck community.
Well, the seasons passed until one morning, a frost crept into the little valley where the ducks lived on their pond. The eldest duck announced that winter was approaching, they would all have to migrate south and to make preparations. So the flock began to get ready to go...
All except for one obstinate little duckling. Ever since he had been hatched, he had been a disciplinary problem and a rebel to the rest of the flock. He was always contrary and refused to listen to the elder ducks, always preferring to do things the way he say fit. Soon, the flock pretty much got tired of his attitude and learned to leave him to his own ways.
Well, it just so happened that after the frost, an Indian Summer settled over the valley. It warmed up and there was a late hatching of gnats and bugs in abundance. The eldest and wisest duck however, knew that this was only a brief reprieve from the onset of winter, and commanded the flock to take wing and fly to warmer climes in the south.
However, the "problem child" duckling refused to go. He pointed out there was plenty of food, the weather was exceptionally pleasant and he was not going to go with the rest of the flock, preferring to stay right where he was. The elder duck shook his head, bid the obstinate little duck "Hasta la vista" and the rest of the flock took wing, leaving the rebel alone on the pond.
Things went quite well for the next week. The weather stayed balmy, there seemed to be no end to the number of bugs for food, and the little duck was quite content...
Until the morning he woke up and found his butt frozen to the surface of the pond. A hard freeze had set in overnight, instantly transforming the comfortable little pond into an frozen trap. The insects were all dead and there was nary a thing to eat. The little duck shivered in the cold and he worked furiously to free himself from the icy grip of the pond.
Soon, his efforts were rewarded and he was free. He thought about the rest of the flock now winging their way south to warmth and food. Even though he had never made the migration, he knew instinctively where they were headed and he launched himself from the pond in pursuit.
Folks, it's a long ways across Canada to the southern climes where ducks and geese find comfortable surroundings. The little duck flew night and day, through fogs, snow and freezing weather, pausing only now and then to rest briefly and scrounge up something to eat. Most of the ponds and lakes on his route were already freezing over and there was scant enough to forage for food.
Then late one evening, just before sunset, the little duck found himself over Idaho, exhausted, cold and hungry. As he passed over a dairy, the last of his strength gave out and he fell out of the air, straight into a large, fresh cow pie. The impact knocked him unconscious and he lay in the cow pie over night.
The next morning, with the sun rising on a splendid clear sky, the little duck woke up, looked around and surveyed his predicament. He found himself buried up to his neck in a warm cow pie! There were a few insects buzzing around him within his reach and he snapped them up greedily. The cow pie had a few seeds embedded in it so he ate those too. Soon, he was full and warm and well, the most comfortable that he had been in days. He was so happy he began to sing rather loudly...
About that time, along the fence came the barnyard cat, a big burly feline. He heard the little duck singing and walked along the fence over to the stock yard to check out the source of the raucous melody. He soon found the young duckling and addressed him from the fence.
"Oh ho!" said the cat, "I see you're pretty chipper this morning!"
"Why yes" replied the duck, "I'm warm, full of food and it's a beautiful day!" The duckling had never encountered a cat before and spoke to him in the most casual and trusting manner.
"Ah, but you have one problem", noticed the cat, "You're stuck up to your neck in cow crap. How will you ever get out?"
The little duck hadn't thought about this and upon hearing the cat's observation, struggled mightily to free himself. However, during the night the cow pie had cooled and solidified around him, trapping him within. Soon, the little duck grew tired and ceased his efforts to free himself.
The cat watched the little duck and he struggled and then failed to free himself. He said, "You know, I'm fairly strong and I can get you out of there pretty easily if you wish."
"Oh yes, please do! cried the little duck, "I need to get going and catchup to my flock! Thank you friend!"
So the barnyard cat jumped off the fence, strolled over to where the little duck was imprisoned in the cow pie, plucked him out and ate him on the spot.
The moral of the story: Even when you're in deep sht, you're not necessarily in trouble, and those that would get you out of deep sht aren't necessarily your friends.
-
@unknownuser said:
oh . . did you post that one already. Sorry. Well it's a good one. Worth retelling.
No, I meant who stole that trick from me. You gotta know what to do when your short in moola
-
Once upon time. . .long long ago. . .The Castle of a faraway Kingdom is damaged by a sever earthquake. A portion of the ceiling collapsed and a member of the Royal Family was severely injured. The King was irate with the poor seismic performance of his new house and called the Royal Contractor, Royal Architect and the Royal Engineer before him to plead for their lives before being beheaded with the guillotine. (they bought one from France) The Rule of the Guillotine is that if it doesn't work the first time that means that the person is innocent and must go free.
The Royal Contractor: Twas not I sire. I built exactly to the design and the specs without any change orders. If there is a flaw in the structure it was due to poor design.
He is laid on the Guillotine and the blade falls down but stops within 1 inch of his exposed neck. He is released praising God.
The Royal Architect: Twas not I sire. The design and drawings were impeccable. I followed the recommendations exactly given to me by the engineer -- who is your brother-in-law I might add.
Again.. . The Architect is laid on the Guillotine and the blade falls down but stops within 1 inch of his exposed neck. He is also set free singing and dancing.
The Royal Engineer pointing to the top of the Guillotine. . .
"I see your problem right there. . .
-
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just
been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised
and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that
to you, he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and
a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended
yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
" That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight."
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"D id you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've
somethin' to tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome,
Tim. But where's my husband?"
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead
and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.. "How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of
Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth,
Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My
husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary,
did he have any last requests?"
S he says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters
a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention
but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's
no paper on this side either!" -
new Marketing strategy, mounting is extra!
-
@unknownuser said:
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'As long as we are in an Irish vein here. . .this last one reminded me a good one. . .
Sean is lying on his death bed gaspin' out his last. He turns to his wife Mary Kate and says. . .
"Dear, before I go, I have tell ya.. .I have to confess. . .I weren't always faithful to ya. In fact last night I had a tryst with . . .with . . ."Mary Kate smiles lovingly and says to him, "Say no more Dear. I know all about it. That's why I poisoned ya"
-
WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on
her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found
shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves
to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following
letter from the local Target.Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this
behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from
the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel,
are listed below and are documented by our
video surveillance cameras.-
June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them
in other people's carts when they weren't looking. -
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go
off at 5-minute intervals. -
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the women's restroom. -
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right
away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned
station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor
that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money. -
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put
a bag of M&Ms on layaway. -
August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to
a carpeted area. -
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they
would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department
to which twenty children obliged. -
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him
he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you
people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9 September 4: Looked right into the security camera and
used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.-
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, he asked the clerk where the
antidepressants were. -
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously
while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme. -
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels. -
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' -
October 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH
NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
- October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door,
waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey!
There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
-
-
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor guy broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'it's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'my ears?!?!?'' Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered. 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming. That was me.' -
Three young couples had been attending a small local church when it came to the attention of the pastor that rumors of their somewhat aberrant sexual behavior was making others in the congregation uneasy. Not wanting to lose any of his faithful flock, the man of the cloth summoned the three couples into his chambers after a service one Sunday to discuss the matter and render a suitable solution.
He told them this; that if they could abstain from their "creative" sexual appetites for three weeks, they would be welcomed back to the church and the rumors would be forgotten. Otherwise, if they failed, they would be asked not to return. The three couples agreed and promised to see the pastor again in three weeks.
After 21 days, the couples returned to the church and as an example to the rest of the congregation, the pastor asked each couple to stand before God and give their testimony.
The pastor asked the first couple, "Have you been faithful to your promise and abstained from your sexual weaknesses"?
The wife answered, "Yes. The first week was easy, the second week was easy too. The third week we felt tempted but faith in Our Lord carried us through."
The smiling pastor shook both their hands and announced they would be accepted back into the congregation, their past now forgiven and forgotten.
The pastor turned to the second couple, and asked the same question, had they refrained and been faithful to their promise to abstain?
Again, it was the wife who answered. Yes, they had. "The first week was fairly easy," she said, "the second was harder and in the third they almost failed but the Lord intervened and saved them."
The pastor, beaming and smiling from ear to ear as his plan was working perfectly, again shook the hands of the second couple and welcomed them back into the congregation.
So now, the exuberant pastor turned to the third couple and asked them if they too had been successful in keeping their promise.
"Well," started the wife, avoiding the pastors gaze, "the first week was really, really hard. The second, faith in our Lord carried us through. But in the third week, I dropped a can of beans on the floor and as I bent over to pick it up, my husband nailed me right there."
"Oh", I'm very sorry said the crestfallen pastor, "but I can't invite you back into this church."
"That's ok," said the husband, "we can't go back in that supermarket either."
-
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'The lady can't take this any more. 'You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.'
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.'
I bet that you're gonna read this again!
-
A man & his nagging wife were in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died. The undertaker told the man that it would cost $45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her there. The husband said 'ship her home'. Shocked, the undertaker asked 'but sir, why don't you bury her here & save the money ?' The husband replied 'a long time ago, a man was buried here & 3 days later, he rose from the dead ... I cant take the chance!'
-
Architect, Landscape Architect, City Planner, or what?:
Choose the answer that best completes the sentence.
Trees
a. are good for hiding a poorly designed part (or whole) of a building.
b. are an essential part of the environment.
c. keep the air fresh and clean.
d. make a decent building material.
e. are an annoyance.
f. look good.Light is
a. vital to the spirit.
b. vital to life.
c. to be shared.
d. a type of electromagnetic radiation.
e. required to do work.
f. a luxury.An ugly building is one that is
a. poorly proportioned.
b. lacking in vegetation.
c. not in harmony with its neighbors.
d. lacking in maintenance.
e. in need of a renovation.
f. out of style.An empty lot
a. ought to have something built on it.
b. could make a good park.
c. is a potential crime magnet.
d. makes an impromptu parking lot.
e. is easy to work with.
f. a waste of space.A hundred-story building on a small Pacific island would be
a. impressive.
b. disasterous to the environment.
c. out of scale.
d. hard to have a proper foundation.
e. a logistical nightmare.
f. stupid.The most important room in a house is
a. the living room.
b. the garden.
c. the kitchen.
d. the basement.
e. the bathroom.
f. the bedroom, or more importantly, the number of bedrooms.If your choices were mostly
a. You're an architect. While your designs may be visually stunning, chances are that is all they are.
b. You're a landscape architect. With designs both ecologically friendly and attractive to the community, landscape architects are well recieved by all people except Architects. Too bad there's this thing called rain.
c. You're a city planner. You actually understand that a site does not exist in a vacuum and ought to fit into its context. Unfortunately, there's very little you can do about it.
d. You're a civil engineer. Your designs are solid and work, as they follow the best way of solving the problem. Fortunately there are architects to mess things up so not everyone's living in a box.
e. You're a contractor. You don't really care what's being built, only how it's built. Or maybe you don't care much about that either.
f. You're a developer. You actually get stuff built that 99% of the population finds agreeable. Too bad the other 1% just happen to be the people in the neighborhood where you're building. -
JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN
A guy calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'. Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.' 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.' The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.' He lost 63 pounds that week. -
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza. -
Why Men Are Happier People
Nicknames:
If Laura, Kate and Sarah get together, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Larry, Dave and Kirk get together, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.Money:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.Bathrooms:
A man has six items in a bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
A typical woman has an average number of 337 items in a bathroom. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.The Future:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. -
PUNS:
-
ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.
-
AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.
-
BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.
-
BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.
-
CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.
-
COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
-
ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.
-
EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
-
HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.
-
LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.
-
MISTY: How golfers create divots.
-
PARADOX: Two physicians.
-
PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
-
PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.
-
POLARIZE: What penguins see with.
-
PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
-
RELIEF: What trees do in the Spring.
-
RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.
-
SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.
-
SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.
-
Advertisement