Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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Off the Tonight Show with Jay leno:
a man was arested for breaking into a store to steal wine. people say they saw the man buying a hammer that costs $10.99 to steal an $8.99 bottle of wine.So he lost 2 dollars, AND he is in jail!
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Q: If mothers have Mother's Day and fathers have Father's Day, what do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday.
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Hear the one about the Termite that walks into a bar and asks " Where's the bar tender"
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they have a good sex jokes book (150 of them apparently) and some of which ive seen to, and always wondered where these came from..good cartoons. i was search something else entirely of course.
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8766426/101-Sex-Jokes-and-ComixLimited-Edition
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With the success of Viagra, many new performance drugs for men go into development:
--PROJECTRA: Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
--COMPLIMENTRA: In clinical trials, 82% of middle-aged men noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
--BUYAGRA: Married men report a sudden urge to buy their wives gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be ascertained: whether the results extend to not minding when women spend money on themselves.
--ANTI-AGRA: Promises the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on U.S. Senators.
--NOSPORTAGRA: This drug makes men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
--FLATULAGRA: This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases into air freshener.
--FLYAGRA: This drug shows great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder).
--LIAGRA: This drug helps men lie more successfully when asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Political Strength versions.
And to be balanced fairly...
A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
"How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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Good One
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Uncle Jay Explains the Past Year. FunnY!!!!
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Not Really a joke but funny. Click the LOLing guy.
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One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a complimentThe husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started.....
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....
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When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
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Economic crisis & agricultural business
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated
general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven
cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty
times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
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Canadian Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery.
It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may
benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better. -
Manager asked to sardar at an interview.
Can you spell a word that has more than 15 letters in it?
Sardar replied: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X. -
After returning to INdia from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Sardar: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner? -
Newspaper Clippings:
Washer. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed -- $100.
Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.
Cows, calves never bred. Also, one gay bull for sale.
Free puppies: part Cocker Spaniel, part sneaky neighbor's dog
Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out for a while. Better be reward.
Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once. Slightly stained.
Free Yorkshire Terrier. Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices.
After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price."
Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."
A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.
"All right, buddy. What's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.
"The balcony."
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. . .the balcony . .. i get it. . .that's funny--and it's funny because it's true. . .. -
Apple does it again:
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in woman's breast implants. The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
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Gaieus: whats wrong with a little soft porn?
usually they say "a picture is worth 1000 words"
However in this case the words without the picture
appears to me at least, to be a little too politically correct. -
A lot of people view this site at work, and a pic like you posted (as pretty as she was) is enough to get some people fired
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@tomot said:
Gaieus: whats wrong with a little soft porn?
To me - nothing personally (I said I kept'er for myself
)...what Remus says however (for instance)
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