Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?

[architectboy]

J1mmy, I didn't see the edited post but is seems that you have made one assumption, and I am glad that you posted it as a question so as to rebut it easily.
@unknownuser said:

Are'nt we all adults?

The answer to that question is NO.

[not registered yet]

touchet Architect boy My bad What I should have said are'nt we all human? My bad. But as far as you are concerned... It would not have been offensive to you either. Just a joke in bad taiste. You would have loved it. It was a doosey. A real zinger.
Have a bitchen summer
Jimmy

poster-J1mmy

[Krisidious]

ah the surfer dood enlightens us once again with his poor grammar and even worse taste in jokes... the likes of which would make Blanche Knotts Tasteless Jokes, Blanche.... you can take your disgusting mind elsewhere, I'm sure you also defend the right of the Nambla Members, in fact maybe you are one with a post like that.

although we get to see how wonderfully talented he is at making up names using others... I guess he thinks that it bothers us... although I would like to give you a hint in spelling, just because two words sound the same does not mean they are spelled the same... I can barely follow you... I am thinking that Jinny is most likely 15, he's never built a thing in his life, he never actually finished those paint by the numbers he was doing last year...

let's see some of your esteemed work Jinny... anything...

I bet you have nothing...

now go away little fly... go away... before I swat you.

[trs]

The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink, I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
~ Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

[Mike Lucey]

TRS, that makes a lot of sense. BTW, I enjoyed
Cheers a great deal. Cliff and Norm? I had to
look them up. Cliff was the postman and Norm was
glued to one of the stools

[not registered yet]

@krisidious said:

ah the surfer dood enlightens us once again with his poor grammar and even worse taste in jokes...you can take your disgusting mind elsewhere, I'm sure you also defend the right of the Nambla Members, although I would like to give you a hint in spelling, I am thinking that Jinny is most likely 15, he's never built a thing in his life,
let's see some of your esteemed work Jinny... anything...
I bet you have nothing...
now go away little fly... go away... before I swat you.

How is this post any different than the ones I have posted to you?
and have been banned for?
Is this what we can all expect from the moderators on this Forum?
Is this threatening rant the best example of how a leader of this community should conduct him?????self?. Look Kris, yes it is true that I am the first to say that I should take more time to edit myself and check my spellinbg and grammer. But really you either get it or you don't And you ma man obviously don't. Yes it is true that I do not use SU in the same way that many of you may. But know this I have used it since V2 am good friends with the founders and have seen it grow from its infancy to what it is today? I am not going to get into a whole my dad is bigger than your dad childish discussion with you on my lack of computer skills. You are the man your work is truely superior to mine on SU. feel better?
I use it from a Home builders perspective. mainly for layout of cabinet walls, furniture plans, etc... Nothing too exciting there.

As far as the NAMBLA thing??? I have no clue as to what greek you are speaking.? Same goes for Blanch jokes? Way over my juvenile head.

Yes it is true that I think you are a rube and the same could be said for boofredlay. My point is that from what I have seen from your writings as well as what you said to me above The idiot is you. You are a sucker, knee jerk, reactionary. incapable of an articulate origional thought. NOT worthy of the post you hold or the stature you enjoy with our community. Just keeping it real.

JImmy

poster-J1mmy

[rhankc]

Jimmy,
I think I speak for the group about this: put it to rest, you are shooting blanks in the dark. The pro forum doesn't care what you draw, as a consensus, you are expected to conduct your behavior as a pro, both here and in the business environment, one who, as a member of this group, isn't embarrassing others with your posts, and conducts yourself in a manner worthy of recognition. I called the mods on your post, I feel your choice of funny haha was both nasty, unethical and distasteful. Just because the Corner Bar is open forum doesn't mean post garbage. Reread the user agreement. Kris and Boo don't need defending, their work clearly stands on it's own. They are a superb example of what this forum is about. I also read your initial response to the edit, based on your response; you don't belong here.

[architectboy]

Yes, I think that people who tell you to
@unknownuser said:

Have a bitchen summer

don't really belong here. I was seriously disgusted with that one.

[rhankc]

A "heads up" for those of you who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't
be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls
come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They
both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts
almost falling out of their skimpy shirts.

It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they
say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's.
You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing.

Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all
over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen February 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th & 24th. Also, on March 1st, 3rd, twice on the 17th, three times just
yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. Please be careful.

Top that one!

[not registered yet]

rhankc
Do the group a favor Don't speak for the group. You really don't seem up to the task. This is a bar if you want lollypops, flowers and sweetness drivel perhaps you should start the "brown nose" forum. You seem good at that. Now get on those TPS reports so you dont have to work for free on yet another Sunday.

To architectboy
The slang word bitchen is one from my generation and used by most who signed my yearbook in 1982 when I graduated highschool. If I offended you? I don't care. and I suspect that you are offended allot. My advice means nothing to you for sure. Yes I am impressed that you have a calling and are persuing the talents that you have. But stay a kid as long as possible I fear that if you dont you could wind up like Kris. Confused, tortured, mis-understood, bullied, un-original under acheiver. Rise above.

James
Yes those were the days Brad is the brother of a very good friend and I am proud to call the Schell Family as friends. When I first saw what they were working on it was 3 guys is Boulder with a dream. Look at it now. Lessons for us all in their story. Really really sharp people who all seem to have the inate ability to put dreams into reality. Solid folks.

To all of you and even Boo And Kris My intension is to provioke a reaction. I have nothing personal against any of you. I respect what you do and contribute on this forum. It would be a lesser place without all of you. But, When I see BS hyper conservative egotisum "Look at me, Macho energy, titan of industry, Big man" type of attitude my action is to slap it down. No different than Boo, rhankc, Kris. etc... are doing the same to me in kind. Only I take the Punk approach which is in your face calling a spade a spade. A punch in the face to me feels good. All in an effort to make me laugh. Just like all of you you all contribute for your own selfish reasons. weather you admit it or not it is true. My intension is to not prove that I am right it is that you are wrong. My idea of a perfect night is ruining someone elses.
Call it a joke. So I am not off topic here. It is a a joke to me.

None of this is real just another goon of doom in a bar? Nothing new.
If I were to use the ruby forum to beat down the respondants that would really be inapropriate. Perhaps I should try it?

Oh yea a joke.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

Stay well
Jimmy

poster-J1mmy

[Daniel]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store the man called out, "Good bye, Mom."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85" said the clerk.

"How come so much....I only had five items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

[Daniel]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? Some selected answers:

Hillary Clinton:
It takes a village to raise a chicken. I've been all over New York State listening to chickens everywhere. I've been a fan of New York chickens my whole life.

Colonel Sander:
I missed one?

Dr. Suess:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed I've not been told.

Jerry Falwell:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side". That's what they call it - the "other side." Yes my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat chicken you will become gay, too.

Ronald Reagon:
What chicken?

Bill Clinton:
Nice legs.

[rhankc]

that reminds me:

My Daddy the Dancer

One day a fourth-grade teacher
asked the children what
their fathers did for a living. All the typical
answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman,
salesman, doctor,
lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being
uncharacteristically
quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his
father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a
gay
cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of
other men and they put
money in his underwear.
Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will
go
home with some guy and stay with him all night for
money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement,
hurriedly set the
other children to work on some
exercises and then took little Justin aside
to ask
him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic
National
Committee and is helping to get Hillary
Clinton to be our next President,
but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

[Krisidious]

J1mmy,

good reply... I respect you alot more already...

I would clarify one thing... "hyperconservatisim"

I would not say that I was that at all... if we went by the top ten talking points of each party, I would be more democrat more than most democrats. after all Liberal is a wonderful word that has been dirtied up. I just don't like the sniveling weasels they have in power like Clinton, Dean, Pelosi, Murtha, Kerry, Edwards and the king of the weasels George SOrOs...

but on abortion, drugs, schools, cloning, stem cell research... I fall right in step with the DNC... but then they go all commie on taxes, property rights, health care and social security...

to tell the truth I would be a libertarian if they weren't such Isolationists, we live in a big world and we depend on it to work a certain way, we have to be involved in the way it's planned out.

anyway, until we meet again...

[John Sayers]

That's the funniest joke you've posted so far Kris

[not registered yet]

Krisidious.
One could make a argument that your last reply was just a tad off topic but they would be wrong. Politics in general is a joke. more distaistful than the one I told about a baby, a microwave and a masterbater. Also polotics is absolutely a ridiculous subject in general. The system Liberal, conservative, rep, or dem, abortion, stem cells, immigration etc.etc the list is endless on issues thrust into the public eye. All to distract us from just plain and simple right and wrong. fair and fraudulent.

My point is that if Hilary O,bama or who ever are the true and best examples of the shining stars best suited to lead the USA into the next 8 years. We are screwed. All the parties inc. liberatairian are really just 2 sides of the same coin. A rusty F-ed up penny not worh the metal it is stamped on.

What has to change? Everything. The scariest thig about it is. Krishidious would make a better president than the one we have been saddled with for the past 7.5 years. In fact I like W as much as I like you. Less than zero.

So your reply was not off topic but mine is. So here is my joke
WHAT IS THE HARDEST THING ABOUT ROLLERBLADING?????????

Telling your mom your gay.

Perhaps you should start a political thread I love those. Then it will go into a lively debate on jesus vs. the Koran. All the Typical BS that just dont matter.

Jimmy

poster-J1mmy

[CraigD]

@rhankc said:

A "heads up" for those of you who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't
be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls
come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They
both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts
almost falling out of their skimpy shirts.

It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they
say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's.
You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing.

Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all
over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen February 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th & 24th. Also, on March 1st, 3rd, twice on the 17th, three times just
yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. Please be careful.

Top that one!

Loved it!! That's hilarious!

CraigD

[tomsdesk]

Here's a groaner I heard yesterday (sorry :`)

A guy, terribly upset, voice rising, telling the psychiatrist about his recurring nightmare: "First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwan, then I'm a te...."

"Relax!" the doctor interrups. "You're just too tense."

[boofredlay]

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained.
"Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question

"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"That's okay," says the husband, "We were banned from the supermarket, too."

[boofredlay]

Those who remember Abbott and Costello's Whose On First will appreciate this the most!

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who' s on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A few days later:

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START