Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".
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One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and
the small of her back.He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a
point below her waist.He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back, "I found the remote."
Two businessmen in NY are sitting down for a break in their soon-to- be new store .. as yet, the store isn't ready, only a few shelves are set up.
One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious fellow walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, "What're y'all sellin' here?"
One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling buttholes here."
Without skipping a beat, the southern fellow says, "Well, I see y'all're doing really good, you only got two left!".
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Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother,and said, 'Here - try these on.'"
She did and said,"These are too big, I can't wear them."
I replied,"Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we never had any problems."
"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these on."
She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."
Mike said,"Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike.
She said,"Here-you try on mine."
He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."
Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart attitude, you never will."
And they lived happily ever.
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Ok, I'm horrible at jokes, but this one had me laughing for half a day and the only one I can ever remember. I heard it on a local radio station's Monday morning "Joke that could get me fired".
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are you shaking for? I'm the one she's gonna eat.
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Country Funeral Anecdote
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, stepped to the side of the open grave and saw that the vault lid was already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory"! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before, from Genesis all the way to Revelations.
I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
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My butcher is selling 8 legs of venison for £1000. Is that too dear?
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Ole & Lena
Ole's wife, Lena, had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby.She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, "Hey, Ole! You just had a son!" Ain't dat grand!"
Ole got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter! She's a pretty little ting, too".Ole got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Ole, you just had another boy!"
Ole was flabbergasted by this news!
When Ole and Lena went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Lena, you remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"
She said, "Yeah, I do."
Ole said, "Uffda!, it's a good ting we didn't use no WD-40!
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Ten things to Say When Cought Sleeping at Your Desk
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"They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
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"This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to!"
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"Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."
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"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."
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"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
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"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
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"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."
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"Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"
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"Who put decaf in the wrong pot?!?"
AND THE NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.......
- Raise your head slowly and say,
"...in Jesus name, Amen."
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If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2?
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The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.
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A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the
bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking."Magic Beer," he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after
realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man
sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?""Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the
window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the
window.The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the
building three times, and comes back in the window.She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, So the guy says to
the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window,
plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body,
and dies.The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a
real a$$hole when you're drunk -
A colleague is asking the blonde:
- Why is your password "BatmanSpidermanSupermanHarrypotterIndianajones"???
- Well, the admin said it needs to be at least five characters long.
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Good one Gai.
Why do birds fly south for the winter?
It is too long to walk.
Why is one side of the "V" formation birds fly in typically longer than the other?
There are more birds on that side.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's fainted!!" -
A grocer notices a woman rummaging about in the potatoes and asks what she is doing.
" I'm looking for broccoli" she says.
"I'm sorry" says the grocer, "there's no broccoli today".
"Oh, I see." says the woman and moves to another section.
A few minutes later the grocer sees her digging through the turnips.
" Can I help you?" he asks.
" I'm looking for broccoli" she says.
"I'm sorry" says the grocer, "there's no broccoli today".
"Oh, I see." says the woman and moves to another section.
A few minutes later the grocer sees her digging through the lemons.
" Can I help you?" he asks.
" I'm looking for broccoli" she says.
"I'm sorry" says the grocer, "there's no broccoli today".
"Oh, I see." says the woman and moves to another section.
A few minutes later the grocer sees her digging through the cabbages.
" Lady, what are you doing!?" he asks realy pissed off by now.
" I'm looking for broccoli" she says.
"OK look, let me try to explain this to you" he says, "Where is the 'toe' in potatoe?"
"At the end" she says.
"Right! and where is the 'cu' in cucumber?" he asks.
"In the beggining" she says.
"Right again!" he says. "Now, where is the f#ck in broccoli?" he asks.
She thinks for a moment and says "There is no f#ck in broccoli"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you!" he shouts. "There is no f#ckin broccoli!!" -
A Taxi driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago.
Nothing is moving north or south.
Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened, what's the hold up?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"
"About a gallon."
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Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men making passes with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he was last."
Janet says "just because I am considered ugly, doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome advances." So Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?" Janet: "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can."
...that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting to fool around. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him.
She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine. -
Why, Why, Why
do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach dow n, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn' t all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
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Q: How many intern architects does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It's a trick question. They can't fit in a light bulb, much less screw in one.
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