Maybe a way for USA to go?
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Got the following via email today. Thought it might be appropriate
to post during the US Presidential race as it could be an alternative!
To the citizens of the United States of America
from
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth IIIn light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,
and your current inability to properly keep your accounts, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
immediately.(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except
Kansas, which she does not fancy).Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor
for America without the need for further elections.Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may
be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
- The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'
'favour,''labour' and 'neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping
half theletters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the
suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
- Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as 'like' and 'you know'is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S.
English.
We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-
checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated
letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
- July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
- You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers
and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.
Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then
you're not ready to shoot grouse.
- Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
- All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the
benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication
will help you understand the British sense of humour.
- The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
- You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
- The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is
also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting
nation on earth and it can only be due to
the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see
what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-
Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further
confusion.
- Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors
to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
- You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
nancies).
- Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not
played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there
is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You
will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first
to take the sting out of their deliveries.
- You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
- An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
- Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT
humor)!
- The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'
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@unknownuser said:
South African beer is
also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting
nation on earth and it can only be due to
the beer
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Seems like a reasonable enough proposition.
(I must protest against the part about the fries, though. As we all know, the British suck at producing decent fries just about as much as the Americans do. Vinegar ... Ogres.) -
Mike, you are a brave man posting this!
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Hilarious, Mike. Great humour
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Mike, this is hilarious. I've seen this before.
EDIT: Except these paragraphs:
- You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers
and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.
Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then
you're not ready to shoot grouse.
- Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
- You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
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One (actually Canadian - which is also a Commonwealth nation) addendum to # 9:
@unknownuser said:
American beer is like making love in a canoe...
f***ing close to water. -
@unknownuser said:
. . .I'll stick with the FREEDOM FRIES!!!
David, that's most ungracious of you towards those nice French people. You'd still be spelling things properly if it wasn't for them.
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@alan fraser said:
French
waves Belgian flag, while singing the Brabançonne
I'm sorry for the off topicness, but this is a matter of national pride.
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What a hoot Mike. Love it.
I guess it doesn't really matter that Independence wasn't "conferred" it was snatched without permission -
Well, at least the Brits could keep Canada at that time
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Our kind of "kept" works really well.
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@alan fraser said:
@unknownuser said:
. . .I'll stick with the FREEDOM FRIES!!!
David, that's most ungracious of you towards those nice French people. You'd still be spelling things properly if it wasn't for them.
Not to mention that the whole 'freedom fires' nonsense was a joke in and of itself - they were named for the chef, not the country. Yet another dimwit congress-critter giving us all a laugh.
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@tim said:
@alan fraser said:
@unknownuser said:
. . .I'll stick with the FREEDOM FRIES!!!
David, that's most ungracious of you towards those nice French people. You'd still be spelling things properly if it wasn't for them.
Not to mention that the whole 'freedom fires' nonsense was a joke in and of itself - they were named for the chef, not the country. Yet another dimwit congress-critter giving us all a laugh.
Hence my joke reference. The Whole Freedom Fries issue was probably the stupidest thing our Congress has concerned itself with since _____________ (insert your own gag here. . .the list is endless)
I actually preferred Liberty McNuggets made from real Bald Eagles!
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We are most amused. . . .
Does that mean Her Most Regal Majesty, who just happens to be one of the richest women in the world, will pay off our debt and put us all on an allowance??
I have no opinion on the pints/lagers/bitters/beers but the thing about the crisps. . .uh-uh. . .I'll stick with the FREEDOM FRIES!!!
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@unknownuser said:
Liberty McNuggets
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I can just see Stinkie jumping up and down at this point shouting "They're Belgian Fries, dammit."
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You better not make fun of me, Fraser! My FF subscription just expired, and I haven't decided yet whether I'll get a new one or not!
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Aw! go on. I'll make you a nice little model of Karl Marx holding a cone of frites.
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