Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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the local hooker spent most of her time sub Sir Vient.
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King Arthur's head of security was Sir Veillance.
The tariff master was Sir Charge.
The knight who would not die was Sir Vivor.
The head eunuch was Sir Aglio.
The sneakiest knight was Sir Reptitious.
The obsequious knight was Sir Vile.
The one who drew all the boundaries was Sir Vey; he was Jewish. His first name was Oy.
The 24-hour knight was Sir Cadian.
The knight who ate too much was Sir Feit.
The most evil of all the knights was Sir Pent.
As Sir Galahad missed most of the meetings due to his drinking habit, he would send Sir Rogate in his stead.
The rarest knight was Sir Loin.
The Greatest Knight On Earth was Sir Cus.
The knight who was most likely to snap was Sir Face Tension.
The biggest cut-up was Sir Gery.
The knight who encircled all the others was Sir Cumscribe.
The luckiest knight was Sir Endipity.
The knight least certain was Sir Mise.
The most impolite knight was Sir Ly.
The most indrect knight was Sir Cuitous.
The knight who was the last to learn to ride a horse was Sir Mount.
The knight with the bluest blood was Sir Name.
The startled knight was Sir Prise.
The yellowest knight was Sir Render.
The knight who was the soothsayer was Sir Cumstantiate.
The knight in constant motion was Sir Culate.
The most acrobatic knight was Sir Q'Du Soleil.
And the knight for whom there was no chair was Sir Plus. -
High school is a lot like prison, sex you want, you aint gettin'... sex you getting... you dont wanne.
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hopefully this doesn't offend any contractors out there. Make sure you read the name of both boats.
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oh that is hilarious Dcke...
I love it... -
A apprentice carpenter was challenged by his boss with a question,
"Do you know the difference between a Joist and girder"
to which the apprentice replied
"Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust."
boom boom.
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This guy goes into his dentist's office, because of pain in his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"
"Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talking' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything...meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!""That's probably it," replied the dentist. "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as though I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time."
"Why chrome?" the man asked.
"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
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How do you get a twinkie pregnant....
with a ding dong.
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If it's true, does it still qualify as a joke, if it's funny?!
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death.
Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus, and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned
"Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "Someone who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide." That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject "B."
When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident..
It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.
The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself. So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
A true story from Associated Press, (Reported by Kurt Westervelt)*
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There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".
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One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and
the small of her back.He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a
point below her waist.He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back, "I found the remote."
Two businessmen in NY are sitting down for a break in their soon-to- be new store .. as yet, the store isn't ready, only a few shelves are set up.
One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious fellow walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, "What're y'all sellin' here?"
One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling buttholes here."
Without skipping a beat, the southern fellow says, "Well, I see y'all're doing really good, you only got two left!".
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Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother,and said, 'Here - try these on.'"
She did and said,"These are too big, I can't wear them."
I replied,"Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we never had any problems."
"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these on."
She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."
Mike said,"Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike.
She said,"Here-you try on mine."
He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."
Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart attitude, you never will."
And they lived happily ever.
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Ok, I'm horrible at jokes, but this one had me laughing for half a day and the only one I can ever remember. I heard it on a local radio station's Monday morning "Joke that could get me fired".
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are you shaking for? I'm the one she's gonna eat.
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Country Funeral Anecdote
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, stepped to the side of the open grave and saw that the vault lid was already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory"! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before, from Genesis all the way to Revelations.
I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
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My butcher is selling 8 legs of venison for £1000. Is that too dear?
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Ole & Lena
Ole's wife, Lena, had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby.She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, "Hey, Ole! You just had a son!" Ain't dat grand!"
Ole got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter! She's a pretty little ting, too".Ole got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Ole, you just had another boy!"
Ole was flabbergasted by this news!
When Ole and Lena went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Lena, you remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"
She said, "Yeah, I do."
Ole said, "Uffda!, it's a good ting we didn't use no WD-40!
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Ten things to Say When Cought Sleeping at Your Desk
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"They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
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"This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to!"
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"Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."
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"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."
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"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
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"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
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"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."
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"Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"
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"Who put decaf in the wrong pot?!?"
AND THE NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.......
- Raise your head slowly and say,
"...in Jesus name, Amen."
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If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2?
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The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.
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