Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?

Tobobo

A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, when a voice in the dark said “Jesus knows you’re here”.

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard “Jesus is watching you”.

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight bean came to rest on a parrot.

“Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.

“Yes”, the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that he’s watching you”.

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you”

“Moses” replied the bird

“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”

“The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus” squawked the parrot.

Tobobo

Too many to post but so funny

21 Jokes So Clever You Probably Won't Understand Them

Because jokes are always funnier when only YOU can understand them, right? Inspired by and culled from this thread.

BuzzFeed (www.buzzfeed.com)

Mike Lucey

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland.

Box

This woman is in hospital, and the first morning they give her haggis for breakfast. How strange she thinks..then at lunch time they give her more haggis...huh this just isn't on says the woman...so then dinner time comes round and same again, haggis....right that's it says the woman so she shouts a passing doctor over and says to him, "what's going on? Haggis for breakfast then lunch and then dinner as well"........the doctor replies "what do you expect? you're in the Burns unit!"

Dave R

Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.' Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said,

'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, let’s save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'
... Mummy fainted!

Mike Lucey

@dave r said:

Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.' Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said,

'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, let’s save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'
... Mummy fainted!

That'll teach her

Joe Wood

I'm sorry! I have a customer who has 5 corgis .. and I'm in to Norse history,
I was googling ..

LongBoat Corgi.jpg

pilou

Not aespecially joke but don't know where post it!

pbacot

@mike lucey said:

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland.

Excellent!

pbacot

@tobobo said:

Too many to post but so funny

21 Jokes So Clever You Probably Won't Understand Them

Because jokes are always funnier when only YOU can understand them, right? Inspired by and culled from this thread.

BuzzFeed (www.buzzfeed.com)

This one bears repeating:

Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Do all of you want a drink?"

The first logician says, “I don’t know.”
The second logician says, “I don’t know.”
The third logician says, “Yes!”

Dave R

A poodle and a terrier are chatting. The poodle says, "I don't know what it is but I'm sad all the time. I just don't have any energy." The terrier replies, "It sounds like maybe you're depressed. You should see a psychiatrist." The poodle responds, "But I'm not allowed on the couch."

baz

The goat clip again but this time from the goats POV.

Hilarious, but Extreme language warning!!!

Joe Wood

Hey Mike! Irish bouncer vrs drunkards !! The commentator is great! Did he say "fook me dead"

and then this isn't in Ireland but look at this goat go! I think it's the same commentator too!

solo

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.He asked, “What are all those clocks?”St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”“Incredible,’ said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”“Where’s Donald Trump's clock?” asked the man. “Trump’s clock is in Satan’s office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

david_h

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat
It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
The man turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

rv1974

The best tutorial I ever seen*heard*