Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
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Jack and Bill meet at the course for a round of golf and Jack brings his little mutt terrier with him. On the first tee, Jack blasts one down the fairway, straight and long, for a huge shot. The terrier, after witnessing this feat, begins running around in circles all excited and yelping like crazy.
"Wow, your dog really knows how to comment on a great shot." says Bill.
"Yeah, he does flips when I hit a bad shot.""Really! How many can he do?"
"It all depends on how hard I kick him." [:o)..........
a blonde goes in to a appliance store and asks the sales clerk "how much is that TV?"
the clerk says "sorry we dont sell to blondes"
the next day she comes in with brown hair and asks the clerk "how much for that tv?"
again the cleark says "sorry we dont sell to blondes"
she comes in this time with red hair asking about the same Tv
yet again the clerk says "sorry we dont sell to blondes"
in a huff the blonde begins to yell and scream "how can you even tell i am a blonde?
the clerk responds "cause its a microwave
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Ole, a furniture dealer from Stoughton (That's in Wisconsin), decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Ole couldn't understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Ole has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business
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An Arizona woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.
The Arizona woodpecker said Arizona had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Texas woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Arizona woodpecker was amazed.
The Texas woodpecker then challenged the Arizona woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that was absolutely im-peckable (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Arizona woodpecker expressed confidence, said he could do it and accepted the challenge.
So the two flew to Texas where the Arizona woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called im-peckable tree with no problem.
Both woodpeckers were terribly confused. How is it that the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Arizona tree and the Arizona woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own State????
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently your pecker gets harder when you're away from home. -
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 100 years ago.Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, in
California an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly
after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: ' California
archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have
concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'One week later, The Montgomery Advertiser, a local newspaper in Alabama,
reported the following:After digging as deep as 300 feet in his pasture near Pine Level,
Autauga County Alabama, Bubba Mitchell, a self-taught archaeologist,
reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded
that 300 years ago, Alabama had already gone wireless.Thank goodness for Bubba. Who said Alabamians were hicks?
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Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Bev to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Bev saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Walt was finished, Bev asked 'How much for that faucet?'
Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'
My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!' Bev exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, 'Bev, you wanna screw for that hinge?'
Bev replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot
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Why Men Do Not Write Advice Columns. . .
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile
down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't
believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the woman from next door. I am
32, my husband is 34, and we have been ma rried twelve ye ars.When I confronted him, he broke down and a dmitted they had been having an
affair for the last six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He
was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling
increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I
gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to
counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you
please help?Sincerely,
Betsy
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Dear Betsy:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety
of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the
fuel line.I hope this helps.
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I just quit my job at the tiddly winks factory, it was counter-productive.
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I was forced to leave my last job at a prosthetics factory.
I tried to sue in an industrial court, but i didnt have a leg to stand on.
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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," the woman replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk.""I know,"she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
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Ga..Haha nice one.
%(#000080)[I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, Maree and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every guy on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I crazy or had won lotto or something. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least Maree knows I'm smarter than her.]
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ive heard it before, but it always makes me laugh.
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A guy is drinking in the bar, when suddenly the bartender whips open his coat and pulls out a little man about 12" tall sitting at a little baby grand piano just wailing out some jazz.
The bar patron is just amazed, and asks the Bartender where on earth he got the little guy.
The bartender opens his coat and pulls out an old green bottle with a cork in it and tells the patron that he got it from the genie who lives in the bottle.
Well the patron smiles at the bartender, and asks if he can make a wish. The bartender is a little reluctant as he only has three wishes, but he finally agrees.
The patron pulls out the cork and out pops the genie asking how he can be of service.
The patron whispers something to the genie, and wham! the bar fills up with a million ducks!
"A million Ducks"! screams the patron. "I didn't ask for a million ducks, I asked for a million bucks"!
The bartender glances over casually and says" What, you think I asked for a twelve inch long Pianist" -
My wife just sent this to me. . . .
Top This One For A Speeding Ticket:
Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding
enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar.
One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check
speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.
The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun
began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer
attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then
turned off.Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar
had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was
engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a
complaint to the USMC Base Commander.
The reply came back in true USMC style:
~ ~ ~
Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the
file on this incident. You may be interested to know
that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected
the presence of, and subsequently locked on to
your hostile radar equipment and automatically
sent a jamming signal back to it,
which is why it shut down. Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground
missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also
automatically locked on to your equipment location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet
recognized the situation for what it was, quickly
responded to the missile system alert status
and was able to override the automated defense
system before the missile was launched to destroy
the hostile radar position.The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them,
since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.
Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun,
should get his dentist to check his left rear molar.
It appears the filling is loose.
Also, the snap is broken on his holster.Thank you for your concern. Semper Fi -
@unknownuser said:
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, 'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!' At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
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Eric, that is pure evil.
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and yet genius
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Glad you liked it. Here is another... great blond joke.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'
Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'
The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'
He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh...'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'
http://www.namedevelopment.com/blog/archives/corn-flakes-box.gif -
Why did the chicken cross the road? >
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
SARAH PALIN: You betcha he crossed the road, but let's not talk about that, let's talk about energy policy, and how gosh darn hard it is for a middle-class hockey mom to manage the budget of the only state in America with a massive surplus, especially while surrounded by countless Russian and Canadian chickens we have to keep an eye on.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure - right from Day One! - that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken...What is your definition of crossing?
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain... alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
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