Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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Well, Eric, let's have a modelling challenge and I can turn the results into smiley's here (BTW is there a smiling ass?)
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Yes, just to the left of your comment
Sorry, I could not resist
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Not so dumb blonde ...
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer
persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Flapsy
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"Euro-English"
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords containing "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
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A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'
The principal and Harry both agreed.Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands .'
The principal was trembling.Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry:
'Firetruck.'The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong. -
REPLACEMENT WINDOWS
Last year a blonde replaced all the windows in her house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, she got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them!
Hellloooo, ......! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid, you know! So, she told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told her last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
'Helllooooo, ......? It's been a year!' she told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot!
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A man owned a small farm in Ireland .
The Irish Internal Revenue determined he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an investigator out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them!," demanded the investigator.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him €200 a week plus free room and board. "The cook has been here for 18 months and I pay her €150 per week plus free room and board." "Then there's the halfwit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about €10 a week. He pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to...the halfwit!" said the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer.
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10 Guinness' in 10 Minutes
An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes."
Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations. One guy even leaves the bar.
A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"
"Sure," he says.
So the bartender lines 10 Guinness' up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.
As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?"
The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."
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Hi d12dozr - didnt realise you knew Rich and myself!!!
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In response to the discovery that some nuetrinos travel FASTER than the speed of light. . .
Bartender: We don't accept no sub-atomic particles that travel faster than the speed of light in HERE!
A nuetrino walks into a bar. . .
think about it.
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Two drums and a cymbal fall out of a tree... http://www.badum-tish.com/
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Only use Internet Explorer on a freshly installed Windows OS.
And only as long as you download another browser.
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?
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Epic Fail
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And in reply to Boo's drum joke.
http://sadtrombone.com/ -
A blond was in bed with her husband:
Her: Darling would you remarry if I died?
Him: Oh, I don't know!
Her: What, don't you like marriage?
Him: Yes, of course! ... Maybe I would remarry.
Her: Would you let her live in my home?
Him: Well, its my home too, so, yes!
Her: Would you let her in my bed?
Him: There's other bedrooms in the house.
Her: Would you let her use my golf clubs?
Him: No!
Her: Why not? You'd let her live in my home!
Him: Because she's left-handed!
Her: Oh, alright then. -
Class reunions...
After 10 years:
- where shall we go for dinner?
- To the Blue Angel. There is a pretty waitress there.
After 20 years:
- where shall we go for dinner?
- To the Blue Angel. They are said to have good food there.
After 30 years:
- where shall we go for dinner?
- To the Blue Angel. They are said to have some diet menu there.
After 40 years:
- where shall we go for dinner?
- To the Blue Angel. They have disabled accessibility there.
After 50 years:
- where shall we go for dinner?
- To the Blue Angel. We have never been there...
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Maybe this is an old one but couldn't resist ...
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm,
his mother asks if he had done his chores."Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little p*ssed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
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- Dad, how did I came to be?
- Son, I think you'll find out sooner or later so I'll tell you.One day me and your mother entered a chat room and then I set up a meeting with her via e-mail. We met in a virtual internet cafe and we snuck into a private room where your mother agreed with the download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we found out that neither of us had ever used the firewall before and because it was too late to press delete, nine months later we were blessed with a small pop-up which started screaming with all its might: You've got male!!
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I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow
me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would
tell me to take a few days off.So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker
(who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending
to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a
few days off.A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you
doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple
of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office.When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you
think you're going?"She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark."
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