Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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My first thought was Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura when he figured out that Finkle was Einhorn. -
NOAH TODAY
In the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah,
Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over
-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
along with a few good humans.(you should be able to find 2 of those as well. . .)
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."I needed a Building Permit. I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."
My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."
Then the local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a SH** load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, t clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."
"Getting the gopher wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl.I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! Not to mention The huge tariffs that would be imposed if I imported the wood from China"
When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study
on your proposed flood. AND!. . .I need to alert FEMA as well and get them involved --especially after the shellacking they took after
Katrina! I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire for my building crew. The Immigration Dept. is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."The trade unions (i.e. The MOB) say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. Plus the insurance (protection I need to pay!) "That's a nice lookin' ark ya got there mac. .. shame if sumethin' was ta happen to it. . ."
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky."
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
No," said the Lord. The Government beat me to it.
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Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and is severed by the big bench saw.
Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.
The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.
The very next day he's back at work in the sawmill. A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to the hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.
And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident; this time he severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to the hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick's doing.
The nurse breaks down and cries. "He's dead," she says.
Paddy is shocked, but not all that surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher no w, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite counter tops." -
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
Chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she
ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."
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@unknownuser said:
"We're getting granite counter tops."
My wife is a kitchen designer, she's gonna love this.
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Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well oiled bum.
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I' m ready!! Now how does that sound?"
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
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A guy visiting in Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea ... As he sat facing her old Hammond organ; the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, isn’t it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said, to place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease... Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter? -
Found this one on another forum...
A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."
So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"
"Vel not really.
You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"Flapsy
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I'm glad I didn't have coffee in my mouth when I got to the end of that one.
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Without any national or racial malice...Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?", asks the German driver.
"Quattro means-a four", replies the Italian official.
"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."
"You can't-a pull-a that-a one on-a me!", replies the Italian customs agent, "Quattro means-a four. You have-a five-a people in-a your car and you are therefore-a breaking the law."
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over - I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry" responds the Italian official, "He can't-a come. He's-a busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."
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Dave and Jim saw an ad in the daily newspaper and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.."
Dave and Jim replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world are you gonna do with a dead mule?"
Jim said, "We're gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Jim said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Dave and Jim at the local grocery store and asked, "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said, "We raffled him off just like we said we wuz gonna do."
Dave said,"Hell, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Dave said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Dave and Jim now work for the government. -
The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal
Commission for Political Correctness announced today
that
the climate in the UK should no longer be referred
to as 'English Weather'Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the
UK population, it will now be referred to as:'Muslim Weather'
( Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite )
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The Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue.
What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said...
"Son, I don't think you understand our problem here.
These coyotes ain't f------' our sheep; they're eatin' 'em!" -
I thought these fitting since we have a Steampunk challenge going on right now.
Q:How many Steampunks does it take to change a light bulb?
A:Two, one to change it and a second to glue unneccessary clock parts to itA steampunk was walking down the sidewalk one day when his friend, a dieselpunk, came up on an incredible shiny new diesel hovercraft bike.
The steampunk was stunned by his friend's sweet ride and asked, "WOW! Where did you get such a nice hovercraft?"
The dieselpunk replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman came up to me on this hovercraft. She got off the hovercraft, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'"
The steampunk nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
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We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons, well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
(!) a regular ass
(!) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(*) an ass hole
{!} a swishy ass
(o) an ass that's been around
(x) kiss my ass
(X) leave my ass alone
(zzz) a tired ass
(E=mc2) a smart ass
($) Money coming out of his ass
(?) Dumb Ass -
Well, Eric, let's have a modelling challenge and I can turn the results into smiley's here (BTW is there a smiling ass?)
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Yes, just to the left of your comment
Sorry, I could not resist
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Not so dumb blonde ...
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer
persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Flapsy
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"Euro-English"
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords containing "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
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