Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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I always like these:
Deep Thoughts - Jack Handey
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while. It's their way of letting off stress.
If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed off the stage. They're just not ready.
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking the question.
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You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Can't figure it out?
For the answer hilight between the stars below:
Get your Drunk Arse off the merry go round. -
A sales rep, an admin clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an old oil lamp. They rub it and out pops a Genie. The Genie says, "I usually grant three wishes, so I'll give you all one each."
"Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, and you?" the Genie asks the manager. The manager says,"I want those two back in the office by 2pm."
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Letter from a Mother to her Son
Dear Son,
I am writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read very fast. We are all very well here. You won't recognise the house when you get home because we've moved. It is quite nice and has got a washing machine. I put shirts in it last week, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister Mary has had her baby, but I don't know if it's a boy or girl, so I can't tell you whether you're an aunt or an uncle.
Your cousin Pat died last week at the brewery. He fell into a vat of whiskey. A couple of his mates dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. He was cremated on Wednesday, and it took a week to put the fire out. It only rained twice last week; once for a day and once for three days. I've sent you a coat, but it was too heavy for the post, so I cut the buttons off and put them in the pockets.
Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there and they've already made him a court martial.Your loving mother,
P.S. I was going to enclose $5 but I've already sealed the envelope.
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Poor dawg .. [:o)
Going to the vet...
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Ole, a Norwegian immigrant living in Minnesota, was fixing his back prorch door one day and broke one of the hinges. So he sent his wife, Lena, to Sven's Hardware Store to get a new one.
While she was waiting for Sven to help her she noticed a very nice teapot on the shelf. It was silver with beautiful gold inlays and Lena thought it was the most beautiful teapot she had ever seen. But there was no price tag on it.
After a bit Sven came to her and asked if he could help her. "How much do you vant for da teapot, Sven," she asked.
"Dat teapot is selling for one hunert an twentyfive doalers," Sven answered.
"Oh!" Lena exclaimed. "Dat is too much moany. But Ole, he send me here for a new hinge for da back door, he did."
Sven told her he had them in back and that he'd get her one. While he was back there he yelled out to Lena, "Lena? Do wanna screw for dat hinge?"
"No," Lena said. "But I will for dat teapot!"
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@unknownuser said:
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
I cannot believe I laughed as much as I did at that one... sheesh...
ok,
did you hear about the man who's dog had no legs? he named him 'Cigarette' and once a day he'd take him out for a drag.His brother had no arms or legs... they found him as a baby in a pile of leaves... they named him Russel. But when he took up water skiing he changed his name to Skip.
(If you are not a native speaker of American English, you are fortunate that some of these unfunny jokes make no sense to you whatsoever! You can happily pretend they never happened.)
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A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email.Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:To: My Loving Wife
Date: Thursday, October 13, 2004
Subject: I have arrived!Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I have just arrived and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
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Ron, my colleagues are just staring at me for I burst intu laughter really lodly.
Thanks man - after that Iranian topic it was a real relief! -
It was the custom among some N. American Indian tribes for the chief to give the childhood names to all the new-born arrivals. One day, a brave went up to his chief and said "Great Chief, how do you get inspiration for all the names you bestow upon the new papooses?"
"Oh, that's easy." the chief replied "I simply take the name from the first notable thing I see after the birth of the child. It is always a good omen. For example, if I see a wolf skulking on the timberline at the edge of camp, it is a sign that the child shall be named Gray Wolf. If I see a loose horse walking down to the river to drink then the child will be called Pony That Walks...anyway, why are you so interested Two Dogs Screwing?" -
A few more puns...a couple of duplicates, sorry:
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day-care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest Knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A "Will" is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat
miner.When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, it resulted in linoleum blown apart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN Down-Under.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
And sorry again for some the other groaners, Tom.
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A garbage truck on its daily routine
collecting wheelie bins puls up in front
of a house.
The garbage collector comes forward
looking at usual places to collect the
garbage but doesnt seem to find the bins.
He looks behind the house ..still nothing.
Finally he decides to ring the bell to solve
the mistery...He rings a couple of times
but still no answer.. Just about as he was
to turn away he heards the sound of the
front door opening.
A little Japanese bloke appears with an
astonished look on his face."Where is Your bin mate ?" the collector demands
"O, sorry I bin in toilet " the Japanese replies in bad English."I meant where is Your dust bin ?!! " the collector impatiently follows.
“I told You I just been in toilet ! ” the Japanese insists.“No, no, there has been some misunderstanding,
I meant where is Your wheelie bin ?”“Ok , ok “ the Japanese bloke aware there is no way
out of this one replies:
I been in toilet having a Wank. -
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
"Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?""Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.
"It's fantastic out here in the world" he told them.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette." -
A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover's Lane.
When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex.After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''
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Since my linguistic pedantry has been exposed, you will understand why this joke holds such appeal for me.
A new guy arrives in town, and wishes to visit the local library. He stops a man on the street and says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me where the library is at?"
The man regards him coolly and says, "You should be ashamed of yourself, ending a sentence with a preposition."
"Oh, I beg your pardon. Can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?"
-Gully
poster-Gully Foyle
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ahahahahah Gully... that's a good one.
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Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
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An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.So she shot herself in the left kneecap.
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I may have told this one on the old forum but here it is again, it's my favourite blond joke.
This couple were lying back in bed after a rigorous evening and the guy asked his blond partner if she would like to play a game. "What sort of game?" she asked, "well a question answer game, if you ask a question I can't answer I give you $500 and visa versa." - "but I can't afford $500" she replied. "That's Ok, I understand, what if pay me $10", and she agrees.
So he starts with the first question. What technology operates a mobile phone?
The blond of course has no idea and reluctantly hands over her $10.
Now it's her turn - What goes up a hill with 4 legs and comes down with 3? she asks.
This has him stumped but he's confident he will get it and tells her he will have worked it out by morning.
The next morning she asks him for the answer and he admits he has no idea and reluctantly hands over the $500.
She thanks him and heads for the shower - so what is the answer he pleads?? I don't know either she replies, here's your $10.
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Edited for content.
poster-J1mmy
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