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    Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?

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    • daleD Offline
      dale
      last edited by

      One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

      The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

      When she asked him why, he replied,

      "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

      And that's how the fight started.....


      My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?"

      I replied "Dust".

      And that's how the fight started.....


      A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

      She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

      I really need you to pay me a complimentThe husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

      And that's how the fight started.....


      My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

      She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200in about 3 seconds.

      I bought her a scale.

      And that's how the fight started.....

      Just monkeying around....like Monsanto

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      • GaieusG Offline
        Gaieus
        last edited by

        When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

        Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.

        When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

        He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

        So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

        Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

        😒

        Gai...

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        • S Offline
          sepo
          last edited by

          Economic crisis & agricultural business

          SOCIALISM

          You have 2 cows.

          You give one to your neighbour.

          COMMUNISM

          You have 2 cows.

          The State takes both and gives you some milk.

          FASCISM

          You have 2 cows.

          The State takes both and sells you some milk.

          NAZISM

          You have 2 cows.

          The State takes both and shoots you.

          BUREAUCRATISM

          You have 2 cows.

          The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

          TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

          You have two cows.

          You sell one and buy a bull.

          Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows

          You sell them and retire on the income.

          SURREALISM

          You have two giraffes.

          The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

          AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

          You have two cows.

          You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

          Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

          ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

          You have two cows.

          You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by

          your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated

          general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

          The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven

          cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.

          The public then buys your bull.

          A FRENCH CORPORATION

          You have two cows.

          You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

          A JAPANESE CORPORATION

          You have two cows.

          You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty

          times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

          A GERMAN CORPORATION

          You have two cows.

          You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

          AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

          You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

          You decide to have lunch.

          A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

          You have two cows.

          You count them and learn you have five cows

          You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

          You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.

          You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

          A SWISS CORPORATION

          You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

          You charge the owners for storing them.

          A CHINESE CORPORATION

          You have two cows.

          You have 300 people milking them.

          You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

          You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

          AN INDIAN CORPORATION

          You have two cows.

          You worship them.

          A BRITISH CORPORATION

          You have two cows.

          Both are mad.

          AN IRAQI CORPORATION

          Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

          You tell them that you have none.

          No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.

          You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....

          AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

          You have two cows.

          Business seems pretty good.

          You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

          1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
          • T Offline
            tomot
            last edited by

            Canadian Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery.

            It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may
            benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.
            It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

            [my plugins](http://thingsvirtual.blogspot.ca/)
            tomot

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            • A Offline
              archkiranjith
              last edited by

              Manager asked to sardar at an interview.
              Can you spell a word that has more than 15 letters in it?
              Sardar replied: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X.

              1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
              • A Offline
                archkiranjith
                last edited by

                After returning to INdia from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife,
                Do I look like a foreigner?
                Wife: No! Why?
                Sardar: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?

                1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                • GaieusG Offline
                  Gaieus
                  last edited by

                  Newspaper Clippings:

                  Washer. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed -- $100.

                  Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.

                  Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.

                  Cows, calves never bred. Also, one gay bull for sale.

                  Free puppies: part Cocker Spaniel, part sneaky neighbor's dog

                  Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.

                  Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out for a while. Better be reward.

                  Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once. Slightly stained.

                  Free Yorkshire Terrier. Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.

                  Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.


                  A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices.

                  After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price."

                  Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank.

                  Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."


                  A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

                  The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

                  "Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."

                  Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.

                  "All right, buddy. What's your name?"

                  "Sam," the man moaned.

                  "Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.

                  "The balcony."

                  Gai...

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                  • david_hD Offline
                    david_h
                    last edited by

                    🤣 . . .the balcony . .. i get it. . .that's funny--and it's funny because it's true. . .. 🤣

                    If I make it look easy...It is probably easy

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                    • T Offline
                      tomot
                      last edited by

                      Apple does it again:

                      Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in woman's breast implants. The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

                      [my plugins](http://thingsvirtual.blogspot.ca/)
                      tomot

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                      • T Offline
                        tomot
                        last edited by

                        Gaieus: whats wrong with a little soft porn? 😄
                        usually they say "a picture is worth 1000 words"
                        However in this case the words without the picture
                        appears to me at least, to be a little too politically correct.

                        [my plugins](http://thingsvirtual.blogspot.ca/)
                        tomot

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                        • R Offline
                          remus
                          last edited by

                          A lot of people view this site at work, and a pic like you posted (as pretty as she was) is enough to get some people fired 😉

                          http://remusrendering.wordpress.com/

                          1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                          • GaieusG Offline
                            Gaieus
                            last edited by

                            @tomot said:

                            Gaieus: whats wrong with a little soft porn? 😄

                            To me - nothing personally (I said I kept'er for myself 😉 )

                            ...what Remus says however (for instance)

                            Gai...

                            1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                            • david_hD Offline
                              david_h
                              last edited by

                              Sure doesn't fly at my office. . .

                              If I make it look easy...It is probably easy

                              1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                              • T Offline
                                tomot
                                last edited by

                                @unknownuser said:

                                Sure doesn't fly at my office. . .

                                Fair enough! Luckily I work from home, so all I have to worry about is my wife looking over my shoulder.

                                [my plugins](http://thingsvirtual.blogspot.ca/)
                                tomot

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                                • boofredlayB Offline
                                  boofredlay
                                  last edited by

                                  And you are not afraid she would fire your a$$? 😆

                                  http://www.coroflot.com/boofredlay

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                                  • boofredlayB Offline
                                    boofredlay
                                    last edited by

                                    Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

                                    After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

                                    A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

                                    "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

                                    http://www.coroflot.com/boofredlay

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                                    • GaieusG Offline
                                      Gaieus
                                      last edited by

                                      A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

                                      Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

                                      Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

                                      Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

                                      The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

                                      "Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

                                      Gai...

                                      1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                      • I Offline
                                        idraft
                                        last edited by

                                        Its Funny Friday (on a thursday today)
                                        http://ac1.streaming.net.nz/trn/hauraki/manettes_wii.wmv

                                        1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                        • I Offline
                                          idraft
                                          last edited by

                                          @unknownuser said:

                                          it was the first day of school. the kindergardeners were saying their names, last was a kid with the name: yu. so the teacher asked what his name was and he said yu this happened 6 times until the teacher said, okay who the hl are you. he said yu. so the teacher said, you uneducated little brat who the ****in Hl are you?!

                                          Sounds a little like a true storey of mine.....

                                          At school (years back) we had a new teacher who was trying to get familiar with names and faces. She was asking for our first names, then our surnames. She thought we were takin the mickey out of her at first. When asking a boy for his first name he told her it was Cooper, then she asked him what his surname was, and he replied Kupa (pronounced the same). She asked him over and over again, until she finally clicked it wasnt spelt the same. Then the next boys name was Wayne Carr. 🤣

                                          True storey. I think If I was Wayne I would have changed my name by now.

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                                          • K Offline
                                            KDSDESIGN
                                            last edited by

                                            and its amazing to learn that i was drunk when i posted that 😒

                                            Regards,
                                            █Kevin█

                                            (about 20% done)

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