Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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@tomot said:
Gaieus: whats wrong with a little soft porn?
To me - nothing personally (I said I kept'er for myself
)...what Remus says however (for instance)
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Sure doesn't fly at my office. . .
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@unknownuser said:
Sure doesn't fly at my office. . .
Fair enough! Luckily I work from home, so all I have to worry about is my wife looking over my shoulder.
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And you are not afraid she would fire your a$$?
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Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
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A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
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Its Funny Friday (on a thursday today)
http://ac1.streaming.net.nz/trn/hauraki/manettes_wii.wmv -
@unknownuser said:
it was the first day of school. the kindergardeners were saying their names, last was a kid with the name: yu. so the teacher asked what his name was and he said yu this happened 6 times until the teacher said, okay who the hl are you. he said yu. so the teacher said, you uneducated little brat who the ****in Hl are you?!
Sounds a little like a true storey of mine.....
At school (years back) we had a new teacher who was trying to get familiar with names and faces. She was asking for our first names, then our surnames. She thought we were takin the mickey out of her at first. When asking a boy for his first name he told her it was Cooper, then she asked him what his surname was, and he replied Kupa (pronounced the same). She asked him over and over again, until she finally clicked it wasnt spelt the same. Then the next boys name was Wayne Carr.
True storey. I think If I was Wayne I would have changed my name by now.
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and its amazing to learn that i was drunk when i posted that
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@kdsdesign said:
and its amazing to learn that i was drunk when i posted that
Well I wish you had not been so honest about that.
I'm now calling for a whole new industry, to being established,
where you can't logon to a computer without proof you have not been drinking -
@kdsdesign said:
and its amazing to learn that i was drunk when i posted that
A case of wishful thinking, unless you've been raiding your parents' drinks cabinet or New York's licensing authorities have just dramatically dropped the minimum age by 7 years.
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A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below.
She shouts to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'
The man consults his portable GPS and replies,
'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of
2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14..97 minutes north latitude
and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.She rolls her eyes and says, 'You must be a Republican!'
'I am,' replies the man. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' answers the balloonist, 'everything you tell me is
technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me.'The man smiles and responds, 'You must be a Democrat.'
'I am,' replies the balloonist. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' says the man, 'You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.
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What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened as the instructor declared, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He then addressed the men, 'For instance, can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,
'Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn't it?'
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.
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Letter to the husband:
@unknownuser said:
Dear Joe,
I was coming home when in front of the garage door I accidentally pushed the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door got bent a little but the truck luckily stopped when it hit your car a bit.
I am awfully sorry but I'm sure you forgive me.
Love;
Janep.s. Your girlfriend called. She is pregnant.
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A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tatooed, welfare dependent woman wearing a Celtic top
walked into the ASDA supermarket in Castlemilk (a sprawling council estate on Glasgow's south side) with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.The ASDA greeter said pleasantly,
'Good morning madam, and welcome to ASDA.''Nice children you have there.
Are they twins by any chance?'The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'F*** naw, they're nae twins.
The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the f*** would you think they're twins?
Are you blind, thick or just stupid?''I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam,'replied the greeter.
'I just couldn't believe you've been s******d twice.'Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA.'
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Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she, & Charles, had retired back to their room. Camilla flopped on the bed & said "Please remove my shoes darling. Ones feet are killing one."
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor... But it would not budge.
"Harder" yelled Camilla. "Harder."Charles yelled back "I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on, give it all you've got" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan, & Camilla exclaimed "There! Oh God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip & said "See, I told you she was still a virgin with a dog ugly face like that!"
Meanwhile, back in the other bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out "Oh God, darling, this one's even tighter!"
At which point, Prince Phillip turned & said to the Queen "That's my boy, once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
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While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom. A week after arriving back home, he wakes one morning to find his p***s covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. When the man returns the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it. I'm sorry, but there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate it.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.' The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your
choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.' The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.The Chinese doctor examines his p***s and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can you do for me? My own doctor wants to operate and amputate it!'The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid docta, always want to opelate. Make more money dat way. No need to opelate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Fawl off by itself!'
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After being married for 41 years, I took a careful look at my wife one
day and said, 'Honey, 41 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap
car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I
got to sleep every night with a hot 22-year-old gal.Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice
big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old
woman.It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.'
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go
out and find a hot 22-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I
would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car,
sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. -
An elderly Italian man lay crippled and dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.
Gathering every ounce of his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly and painfully made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. Finally, with laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, cooling on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite anisette sprinkled cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he dragged himself to the table, picked up a cookie and just as he was about to take a bite, his wife snatched the cookie from his grasp.
"Donta you touch," his wife warned. " Those are for the funeral."
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Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom , her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sht is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!Regards
Mr S=======
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