Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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This one is long but worth it:
Eric is looking to buy a motorcycle. He checks the paper and sees there is a vintage one for sale. Intrigued he calls and makes an appointment to see it. The motorcycle is a thing of beauty, mint condition and dead cheap. He buys it on the spot. Then he asks the man, "Why did you sell this incredible machine for such a cheap price?" The man replies, "I am old and cannot keep up with it anymore and wanted it to go to someone who would take care of it. You obviously care enough so enjoy. Oh and don't forget that the engine must be lubricated anytime it rains. Vaseline will do the trick." Eric could not be happier.
Months later Eric meets Linda and they fall in love. After another few monts the dreaded "Meet the Parents" night is upon him. So off to Linda's house they go on the motorcycle. On the way over Linda tells Eric that her family has a strange ritual at dinner. "Nobody wants to do dishes, I mean nobody!" she says. They divised a system that whoever says the first word at the dinner table has to do the dishes that night. So Eric thinks he will speak up, do the dishes and get a gold star with the parents.
They arrive at Linda's parents house and everyone is happy, that is until Eric peeks into the kitchen. Dishes, mounds of them. Dirty, stinky and full of crusty food. There must have been 3 months worth of dishes. There were even empty boxes of dishes in the corner, the parents just keep buying new ones. "Why not just throw them away" he thinks. "Well there is no way I am cleaning those dishes."
Dinner starts and there is silence. Eric is going nuts. His family talks all the way through dinner; talking about their day, likes, dislikes, life etc. He has never sat down to dinner and been utterly silent. "I have to think of a way to make them talk first" he thinks. He snaps, he grabs Linda, clears a spot on the dinner table and has his way with her, right there in front of the family.
Nobody speaks.
Totally freaked, Eric grabs Linda's mother and does the same... silence.
Just then Eric hears a clap of thunder outside. "The motorcycle!" he thinks. He runs to the chair in the corner and grabs the Vaseline. Just then the Father jumps back from the table and says, "Forget it, I'll do the dishes!"
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This is not going to improve the level of humour here but...oh well...
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover". -
Thanks, Stu. Another nice one (along with Eric's) to start the day with...
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The man is at work his cell ph rings. The doctor at the other end says "You need to come to the hospital ASAP, your wife has been is a car crash.
The man rushes over.
When he arrives the Dr. says. "Well it is not good. She has lost her legs. The extent of her internal injuries means that she has a colostomy bag and she can never have sex again."
Well he is devistated! Woah. with a sigh he hangs his head.
The Dr. Says "I'm only kidding she is dead."
Jimmy
poster-J1mmy
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JIMMMMMMMY!!!
Well, as a revenge;
- How do you punish a blind kid?
- ???
- You rearrange his room...
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A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap.
The psychiatrist says 'I can clearly see you're nuts'. -
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, “Olive or Twist?” -
In my email today:
Kids Write About the Sea:
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Jule age 7)
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Again, not working to raise the bar here
Complements of a co-worker (There were a bunch of these, but here are the funniest ones I remember...)
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean? ...Bob.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? ...Russell.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs in your window? ...Curt & Rod.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? ...Art.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs water-skiing? ...Skip.
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Nick;
What about behind a door? ...Matt.
What about in a hole? ...Phil.
What do you do with a dog with no legs? ...Take him for a drag.
What do you call a dog with no legs? ...Nothing, he would not come anyway.
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A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most
Dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the
Front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
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I always like these:
Deep Thoughts - Jack Handey
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while. It's their way of letting off stress.
If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed off the stage. They're just not ready.
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking the question.
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You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Can't figure it out?
For the answer hilight between the stars below:
Get your Drunk Arse off the merry go round. -
A sales rep, an admin clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an old oil lamp. They rub it and out pops a Genie. The Genie says, "I usually grant three wishes, so I'll give you all one each."
"Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, and you?" the Genie asks the manager. The manager says,"I want those two back in the office by 2pm."
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Letter from a Mother to her Son
Dear Son,
I am writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read very fast. We are all very well here. You won't recognise the house when you get home because we've moved. It is quite nice and has got a washing machine. I put shirts in it last week, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister Mary has had her baby, but I don't know if it's a boy or girl, so I can't tell you whether you're an aunt or an uncle.
Your cousin Pat died last week at the brewery. He fell into a vat of whiskey. A couple of his mates dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. He was cremated on Wednesday, and it took a week to put the fire out. It only rained twice last week; once for a day and once for three days. I've sent you a coat, but it was too heavy for the post, so I cut the buttons off and put them in the pockets.
Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there and they've already made him a court martial.Your loving mother,
P.S. I was going to enclose $5 but I've already sealed the envelope.
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Poor dawg .. [:o)
Going to the vet...
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Ole, a Norwegian immigrant living in Minnesota, was fixing his back prorch door one day and broke one of the hinges. So he sent his wife, Lena, to Sven's Hardware Store to get a new one.
While she was waiting for Sven to help her she noticed a very nice teapot on the shelf. It was silver with beautiful gold inlays and Lena thought it was the most beautiful teapot she had ever seen. But there was no price tag on it.
After a bit Sven came to her and asked if he could help her. "How much do you vant for da teapot, Sven," she asked.
"Dat teapot is selling for one hunert an twentyfive doalers," Sven answered.
"Oh!" Lena exclaimed. "Dat is too much moany. But Ole, he send me here for a new hinge for da back door, he did."
Sven told her he had them in back and that he'd get her one. While he was back there he yelled out to Lena, "Lena? Do wanna screw for dat hinge?"
"No," Lena said. "But I will for dat teapot!"
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@unknownuser said:
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
I cannot believe I laughed as much as I did at that one... sheesh...
ok,
did you hear about the man who's dog had no legs? he named him 'Cigarette' and once a day he'd take him out for a drag.His brother had no arms or legs... they found him as a baby in a pile of leaves... they named him Russel. But when he took up water skiing he changed his name to Skip.
(If you are not a native speaker of American English, you are fortunate that some of these unfunny jokes make no sense to you whatsoever! You can happily pretend they never happened.)
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A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email.Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:To: My Loving Wife
Date: Thursday, October 13, 2004
Subject: I have arrived!Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I have just arrived and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
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Ron, my colleagues are just staring at me for I burst intu laughter really lodly.
Thanks man - after that Iranian topic it was a real relief!
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