Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's fainted!!" -
A grocer notices a woman rummaging about in the potatoes and asks what she is doing.
" I'm looking for broccoli" she says.
"I'm sorry" says the grocer, "there's no broccoli today".
"Oh, I see." says the woman and moves to another section.
A few minutes later the grocer sees her digging through the turnips.
" Can I help you?" he asks.
" I'm looking for broccoli" she says.
"I'm sorry" says the grocer, "there's no broccoli today".
"Oh, I see." says the woman and moves to another section.
A few minutes later the grocer sees her digging through the lemons.
" Can I help you?" he asks.
" I'm looking for broccoli" she says.
"I'm sorry" says the grocer, "there's no broccoli today".
"Oh, I see." says the woman and moves to another section.
A few minutes later the grocer sees her digging through the cabbages.
" Lady, what are you doing!?" he asks realy pissed off by now.
" I'm looking for broccoli" she says.
"OK look, let me try to explain this to you" he says, "Where is the 'toe' in potatoe?"
"At the end" she says.
"Right! and where is the 'cu' in cucumber?" he asks.
"In the beggining" she says.
"Right again!" he says. "Now, where is the f#ck in broccoli?" he asks.
She thinks for a moment and says "There is no f#ck in broccoli"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you!" he shouts. "There is no f#ckin broccoli!!" -
A Taxi driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago.
Nothing is moving north or south.
Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened, what's the hold up?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"
"About a gallon."
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Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men making passes with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he was last."
Janet says "just because I am considered ugly, doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome advances." So Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?" Janet: "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can."
...that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting to fool around. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him.
She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine. -
Why, Why, Why
do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach dow n, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn' t all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
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Q: How many intern architects does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It's a trick question. They can't fit in a light bulb, much less screw in one.
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How many registered architects does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, he/she holds the light bulb up and the world revolves around him/her.
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Nothing personal to ANYONE reading this!
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment then asks "Where's my toast ?"
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don' t know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
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Dealing with Telemarketers!
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This test has only one question, but it's a very important one.Please
don't answer it without giving it some serious thought.
By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand
morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation,
whereyou will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that
your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.You're in Zimbabwe... near Kariba, to be exact. There is great chaos
going on around you, caused by an unpredicted hurricane and severefloods. There are huge masses of water all about you. You are a Daily
News photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot very impressive
photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing
into the Zambezi River as itroars through the gorge. Nature is showing all its destructive power
and is ripping everything away with it.Suddenly you see a man in the water - he is fighting for his life,
trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move
closer.Somehow the man looks familiar. Suddenly you know who it is... it's
Robert Mugabe!At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him
away, forever. You have two options and no time to lose. You cansave him or you can take the best photo of your life. You can't do
both.So, you can save the life of Robert Mugabe... or you can shoot a prize
winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's
most notorious leaders.Here's the question (please give an honest answer):
Would you select colour film, or rather go with the simplicity of
classic black and white? -
A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a.......
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP... behind him.
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright
coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him... BUMP...
...BUMP...
...BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing
quickly behind him ...faster...
faster...
BUMP...
BUMP....
BUMP.
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes
in, slams and locks the door behind him.The coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin ....
clapping ...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on the heels of the terrified man....
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.
His heart is pounding;
his head is reeling;
his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything ...
but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin ...
the coffin stoppped.
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That hurt, Tom!
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A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".
The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."
The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"
The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied,
down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
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Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.
Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fuc##ng fence wasn't electrified."
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This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
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An old man walked into the confessional at the cathedral and said to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest replied, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
The priest paused, and then asked, "So then, why are you telling me?"
"Hey, I'm telling everybody."
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids".
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher'.
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An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? "Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the backside sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
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Things That Are Difficult To Say When Youâre Drunk:
- Innovative
- Preliminary
- Proliferation
- Cinnamon
Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When Youâre Drunk:
- Specificity
- Anti-constitutionalistically
- Passive-aggressive disorder
- Transubstantiate
Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When Youâre Drunk:
- Thanks, but I donât want to have sex.
- Nope, no more booze for me!
- Sorry, but youâre not really my type.
- Taco Bell? No thanks, Iâm not hungry.
- Good evening, officer. Isnât it lovely out tonight?
- Oh, I couldnât! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
- Iâm not interested in fighting you.
- Thank you, but I wonât make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. Iâd hate to look like a fool!
- Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
- I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
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On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
turbulence is awful and things go from bad-to-worse when one wing is
struck
by lightning.One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in
the front of the plane and wails "I'm too young to die!" Then she yells,"Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be
memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a
WOMAN?"For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare .. riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the
plane.Then, a cowboy from Oklahoma stands up in the rear of the plane. He is
handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He
starts
to walk slowly up the aisle ... unbuttoning his shirt.One button at a time........
No one moves.................
He removes his shirt................
Muscles ripple across his chest..........
She gasps...................................
He whispers......................................"Iron this ... then get me a beer."
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