Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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OK! then I'll start one!
A cowboy from Texas gets pulled over by an Arizona DPS Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."
"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and asks, "Are you callin' me a horse's ####?""No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ####." "That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though"
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Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
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The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
Subject: Guinness Book of World Records
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world."
So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says,
"Who is Rosie O'Donnell?Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's
all right now ..-
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
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We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
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When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
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The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
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If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
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What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
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ÁÁÁááá... Dylen!
I was definitely NOT ready!
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Ok, so it's time for the bad jokes!
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it!"
The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(This is bad!)
(OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
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This one is long but worth it:
Eric is looking to buy a motorcycle. He checks the paper and sees there is a vintage one for sale. Intrigued he calls and makes an appointment to see it. The motorcycle is a thing of beauty, mint condition and dead cheap. He buys it on the spot. Then he asks the man, "Why did you sell this incredible machine for such a cheap price?" The man replies, "I am old and cannot keep up with it anymore and wanted it to go to someone who would take care of it. You obviously care enough so enjoy. Oh and don't forget that the engine must be lubricated anytime it rains. Vaseline will do the trick." Eric could not be happier.
Months later Eric meets Linda and they fall in love. After another few monts the dreaded "Meet the Parents" night is upon him. So off to Linda's house they go on the motorcycle. On the way over Linda tells Eric that her family has a strange ritual at dinner. "Nobody wants to do dishes, I mean nobody!" she says. They divised a system that whoever says the first word at the dinner table has to do the dishes that night. So Eric thinks he will speak up, do the dishes and get a gold star with the parents.
They arrive at Linda's parents house and everyone is happy, that is until Eric peeks into the kitchen. Dishes, mounds of them. Dirty, stinky and full of crusty food. There must have been 3 months worth of dishes. There were even empty boxes of dishes in the corner, the parents just keep buying new ones. "Why not just throw them away" he thinks. "Well there is no way I am cleaning those dishes."
Dinner starts and there is silence. Eric is going nuts. His family talks all the way through dinner; talking about their day, likes, dislikes, life etc. He has never sat down to dinner and been utterly silent. "I have to think of a way to make them talk first" he thinks. He snaps, he grabs Linda, clears a spot on the dinner table and has his way with her, right there in front of the family.
Nobody speaks.
Totally freaked, Eric grabs Linda's mother and does the same... silence.
Just then Eric hears a clap of thunder outside. "The motorcycle!" he thinks. He runs to the chair in the corner and grabs the Vaseline. Just then the Father jumps back from the table and says, "Forget it, I'll do the dishes!"
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This is not going to improve the level of humour here but...oh well...
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover". -
Thanks, Stu. Another nice one (along with Eric's) to start the day with...
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The man is at work his cell ph rings. The doctor at the other end says "You need to come to the hospital ASAP, your wife has been is a car crash.
The man rushes over.
When he arrives the Dr. says. "Well it is not good. She has lost her legs. The extent of her internal injuries means that she has a colostomy bag and she can never have sex again."
Well he is devistated! Woah. with a sigh he hangs his head.
The Dr. Says "I'm only kidding she is dead."
Jimmy
poster-J1mmy
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JIMMMMMMMY!!!
Well, as a revenge;
- How do you punish a blind kid?
- ???
- You rearrange his room...
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A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap.
The psychiatrist says 'I can clearly see you're nuts'. -
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, “Olive or Twist?” -
In my email today:
Kids Write About the Sea:
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Jule age 7)
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Again, not working to raise the bar here
Complements of a co-worker (There were a bunch of these, but here are the funniest ones I remember...)
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean? ...Bob.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? ...Russell.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs in your window? ...Curt & Rod.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? ...Art.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs water-skiing? ...Skip.
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Nick;
What about behind a door? ...Matt.
What about in a hole? ...Phil.
What do you do with a dog with no legs? ...Take him for a drag.
What do you call a dog with no legs? ...Nothing, he would not come anyway.
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A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most
Dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the
Front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
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I always like these:
Deep Thoughts - Jack Handey
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while. It's their way of letting off stress.
If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed off the stage. They're just not ready.
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking the question.
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You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Can't figure it out?
For the answer hilight between the stars below:
Get your Drunk Arse off the merry go round. -
A sales rep, an admin clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an old oil lamp. They rub it and out pops a Genie. The Genie says, "I usually grant three wishes, so I'll give you all one each."
"Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, and you?" the Genie asks the manager. The manager says,"I want those two back in the office by 2pm."
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Letter from a Mother to her Son
Dear Son,
I am writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read very fast. We are all very well here. You won't recognise the house when you get home because we've moved. It is quite nice and has got a washing machine. I put shirts in it last week, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister Mary has had her baby, but I don't know if it's a boy or girl, so I can't tell you whether you're an aunt or an uncle.
Your cousin Pat died last week at the brewery. He fell into a vat of whiskey. A couple of his mates dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. He was cremated on Wednesday, and it took a week to put the fire out. It only rained twice last week; once for a day and once for three days. I've sent you a coat, but it was too heavy for the post, so I cut the buttons off and put them in the pockets.
Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there and they've already made him a court martial.Your loving mother,
P.S. I was going to enclose $5 but I've already sealed the envelope.
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