Fun little game: Part Deux, continued...
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Just as Ross was rolling his eyes and about to mutter some choice swear words, he heard Captain Bush start to laugh hysterically. Ross knew it was the Captain as his laugh was distinctive - sounding like a donkey crossed with a MK16 Combat Assault Rifle in full-automatic mode. Then all of a sudden there was a load thud and with it the laughing stopped cold. Moving a few steps closer and looking through the window into the Bridge, Ross could see the Bridge crew standing over an apparently dead or unconscious Captain Bush. Rushing in he exclaimed "what happened?". Navigator Mike Lucey explained that Kevin's performance had the Captain laughing hysterically and that all of a sudden the Captain collapsed. He either had a massive heart attack or ripped a gut -- either way the Captain was dead. Ross bluntly advised Mike and the other crew to feed the body to the sharks. As the Captain's limp body was dragged off the Bridge Ross turned to Kevin the Tea Boy and outstretched his hand. Shaking Kevin's hand, Ross expressed his sincere appreciation for the speedy yet unorthodox way Kevin had dispatched the Captain to his eternity in hell. Kevin just mumbled: "er.. thanks... I didn't mean to kill him" as he was still in shock from the unexpected reaction to his performance. Now that the mission was over, Ross asked Kevin the Tea Boy if there was anything XX9 could do for him. Kevin replied that he still needed to get to India as he still needed to select tea for the Pope. Ross spoke into his wrist watch -- apparently some kind of spy phone. Upon finishing a brief whispered conversation with the watch, he advised Kevin that XX9 Control told him...
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Meanwhile, in a land far, far away, in the Hall of Sketches, Gaieus is ruminating over his laptop when he is suddenly overcome with a sense of dread. The curly haired Susan Sorgesu sensed something is wrong and asked "What is it?"
Gaieus turned to the Susan and the other members of S7 and replied "I sense a disturbance in the world of SketchUp....one of the forum members is in trouble.....I sense suffering, confusion, and" Gaieus added, his eyebrow raised in consternation, "TEA"!
Just then the wall-sized Google Earth display sounded in alarm, its flashing red light a portent of doom.
Ross didn't get to finish his sentence, for he was interrupted by a figure dropping down onto the deck of the ship, the SS Cinatit. Ross was speechless as he stared at the beautiful chanteuse before him, her shapely body clad in a form-fitting black leather suit, a martini in her hand.
"Hello Ross. Or, should I say, DASH RIPROCK"?
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Ross replied "Ah Martina we meet again!"
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“Don’t Martina me!” she snapped, as the sound of a helicopter faded into the blackened void above them.
“The name’s Madame Martini to you, Sonny. Pretty boys with pretentious names like yours, just make me puke” she hissed.
“Where’s Kevin, the Office Tea Boy (whatever that is) who, unknown to him, is on a mission to save the world from global warming by discovering a tea plant that absorbs thousands of times its own weight in greenhouse gases – and also has the most tender tealeaves known to man?” she added as an afterthought.
DASH RIPROCK, cowering from the humiliation of this tongue lashing, pointed feebly at Kevin who was overcome by Madame Martini’s uncanny resemblance to his ……
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(insert adjective here) dreams. Kevin's face reddened in embarrassment when he realized this.
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his scarlet and gold pajamas.
Knowing that it was only his fantasies which kept him sane in an incomprehensible, indifferent universe, he tried to comprehend the ironic reality of Signorina Martini herself. Reverting to form, he said "Il mio nome è Kevin. Sono un allievo alla High School di Gympie. Spero di essere un ragazzo del tè (qualunque quello è) quando mi sviluppo in su, ma posso anche conservare il mondo." which translates into English as approximately "My name is Kevin. They are a student to the High School di Gympie. I hope of being a boy of the tea (any that one is) when me development in on, but I can also conserve the world."
Signorina, now Signora, Martini said "Ahh it is Kevèn. I knew my fiendish plan of posing as a teacher of Italian would pay off in more ways than it already had. Now, Kevin listen to me. Kevin, why don't you pass the time by playing a little solitaire?"
Immediately Keven asked for a deck of playing cards.
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. . . . . while Keven passed his time with a game of Solitaire, Kevin took a handkerchief from his pyjama pocket to mop his fevered brow. As he did so, a business card fell to the floor. Ms Martini surreptitiously gathered it up, feigning to adjust a buckle on her thigh-high, black leather boots.
She calmly noted the inscription as she slipped the card into the ample décolletage of her leather suit. It read:
Kevin RUDD
Tea Boy Extraordinaire
Dux of Gympie State High School [Italian Prize]I aim to please. Your pleasure is my pleasure.
Phone: +61744897651
Fax: +61744897652
E-mail: kevinrudd@bigpond.net.au
Address: c/- Tea Boys International
75 Lipton Gardens
London SW1V 4DB“Enough of this idleness!” declared a crestfallen DASH RIPROCK, regaining a smidgen of his previous manly composure. “Don’t we have a planet to save?”
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Madame Martini continued “I am the Asian head of the worldwide organization, P.O.P.E.[Purify Our Polluted Environments] NOW. I am here to brief you on your quest to find the one true plant. A plant that will halt our planet’s downward slide into a future full of death, pestilence and destruction -
Camellia sinensis var. magnificum.”
Kevin’s embarrassment intensified when he realized that the glamorous creature before him was none other than his Italian teacher from Gympie High, Ms Martina Martini whom he had secretly fantasized over, ever since he first clapped eyes on her, nearly two years ago.
He wondered whether or not she recognized him, dressed as he was in . . . . . . . .
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Kevin saw that Dash was getting stressed piped up and said "anyone fancy a brew?"
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Our wayward tea boy pulled out a complete tea service from his pajamas (they were very roomy and he had to fill them with something).
"Orange pekoe, anyone?" he asked.
The vampish Martina and incredibly handsome Ross stared at him, dumbfounded.
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Suddenly, Kevin the tea boy vanishes into a pile of pink sawdust, never to be seen again. And walking in with a sinister grin comes a ghastly figure, causing Ross and Martina to faint and be taken captive by...
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Gaieus the Hungarian Hit-man. A ruthless mercenary, this Gaieus was not the same Gaieus who earlier was in cohorts with Susan Sorger. This Gaieus was, for reasons unknown, dressed like a Roman Legion Commander. Ross exclaimed "Hey Cesar is my salad ready yet?" and he turned to Martina and said "The service here stinks worse than a Roman sewer. The contemptuous remarks made the Hungarian Hit-man very angry. He raised his sword to Ross' neck and said "I should kill you now pretty boy!". He did not. Instead he proceeded to tell the handsome Ross and Martina why he was there. "I'm here to... "
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rid the world of all that is fair and good and cute. That is why Kevin had to go. My next task will be the elimination of cute little puppies. So I ask once and only once: Martina and Ross, . . .
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Before he could finish his sentence, the Hungarian was interrupted by a voice behind him.
"Not so fast"!
Clenching his fists in rage, hitman Gaieus spun around cursing to see the fool who dared to interrupt him.
"Ah, it's my archnemisis, Boofredlaaaaaaaaay."Meanwhile, hidden in the shadows, bidding his time, was a mysterious yellow man who was more than meets the eye. At last seeing his opportunity with the current commotion, he sneaked out and collected the pink pile that was formerly known as Kevin the Office tea Boy (whatever that is).
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The Mysterious Yellow Man (MYM) is infact from Shangri-La, now returning to his homeland, having explored and being disillusioned by the world outside Shangri-La. Taking pity on Kevin, or whatever is left of him, MYM reached into the deep folds of his robe and fished out his Magic Wand. Using chants and hand movements passed on by his forefathers, he waved his Magic Wand over Kevin, or whatever is left of him, over and over again, in slow studied motion. Slowly but surely, Kevin reincarnated into an even more handsome copy of his original self. He is now almost as handsome as Ross.
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Quickly patching a few minor glitches on Kevin with duct tape, the mysterious yellow man, Tobobo, who really was more than meets the eye, quickly exited for Shangri-La, also known as Birmingham, UK.
Meanwhile, Gaieus the Hungarian Hit-man and his archnemisis Boofredlay are in a death struggle. The tall and powerfully built Ross saw an opening and...
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... went to Starbucks for a mocha half caff latte. Suddenly Gaieus realized it was refreshment time and made a dash for the pub... Boofredlay had more pressing matters. It was refreshment time for Boo as well but for the flesh of an office tea boy, and he knows exactly what that is.
Mouth watering he is guided by instinct and quickly tracks Kevin down. Kevin never saw it coming. Seeing that he was freshly reincarnated Kevin just couldn't keep it together and it only took one blow to the chest and he was shattered to dust once again.
Adding him to milk, Boofredlay enjoyed what tasted like his childhood favorite. Strawberry Quick. Mmm tasty.
Now, back to finding Gaieus again... -
Boo was suddenly seized by an agonizing stomach cramp, which became so intense he fell to the ground and began writhing on the ship’s deck in excruciating pain. He began foaming at the mouth, his plump form shivering and shaking so violently it became a mass of convulsing pink flesh.
Finally, this writhing mass began to relax and where there had once been the short, rounded form of Boofredlaaaaaaaaay, Gaiieus’s supposed arch nemesis [He was actually the devil, Lucifer in disguise – Why else would he eat our hero?] there, lay before us the clean-cut, honest, generous, and nearly as handsome as DASH RIPROCK - none other, than that miracle of nature, Kevin, Tea Boy Extraordinaire.
Emerging from the shadows, behind this recumbent form, there appeared the unmistakable shape of Kevin’s guardian angel, in the form of . . . . . . . .
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Boofredlay. Boo, realizing that he was now an immortal guardian angel for the new Kevin, which isn't the old Kevin at all, decided that he would...
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...devote his entire life to serving mankind and protecting office tea boys through the powers of SketchUp. In order to do this, he realized he must forgo all wordly distractions and vowed to live the rest of his life in complete, eternal celibacy. With that in mind, he pulled out his portable welding torch and titanium strips he happened to have in his pocket, and fashioned himself a permanent chastity belt. Full of self righteous goodness, Boofredlay turned to Kevin.....and found him gone. Where he once was, the shattered remains of a martini glass. In the distance, a coyote howled.
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