Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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The Pope is handing out miracles to sick kids in Liverpool.
Billy walks on stage and asks him, "can you help me with my hearing?"
The Pope says, "yes," and puts his hands on Billy's ears and prays, removes his hands and says, "how is your hearing now?"
Billy says, "I don't know, it's not until next Wednesday." -
A Husband and wife are shopping in Asda when the man picks up a pack
of Stella and puts them into the trolley."What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife
"They're on offer, only £16 for 24 cans", he says
"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife
and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a £32 jar of face cream and
sticks it into the trolley."What do you think you're doing?" asks the man,
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.
The man replies...
"SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE FUCKIN PRICE
Recently at an Irish wedding reception, someone yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made their life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
I took the wife to a disco at the weekend. There was a guy on the dancefloor giving it large; breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. My wife turned to me and said, " See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
I said, "Looks like he's still fuckin celebrating!"...
Paddy takes his mates back to see his new flat, and after a few more beers one of the lads asks him whats the big brass gong hanging on the wall,
Paddy says, "Its my speaking clock" !
"How does it work?" his mate asks.
"I'll show you", and Paddy hits it full pelt with a claw hammer,
A voice from next door yells"For fucks sake you asshole its twenty to three in the morning!!" -
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new MD. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the MD noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make £400 a week. Why?"
The MD said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy £1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the MD looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that little beggar did here?"
From across the room a voice said,
"He was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
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Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.
Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any idea where we are?"
"Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."
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A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW M3 when he
spotted a well-known cardiologist in his workshop.The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and
take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the car.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or
replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I
finished, it worked just like new. So how is that I make £25K a year and
you make £1.2M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.....
"Try doing it with the engine running" -
Reminds me of this one...
A gynecologist got sick of his job and decided he wanted to become a mechanic, you know, get physical and dirty for a change.
He took the courses, and took his final exam which was a multiple choice test, and a practical test where they had to do a bunch of work on an engine.
The next day the marks were posted in the hall, and there was a big crowd around them, and when he walked up someone asked him how the hell he got 500%.
He was miffed, so he found his instructor and asked cornered him asking why.
"Well" replied the instructor, "you did extremely good work".
"So did a lot of others" he replied.
"True" said the instructor, "but they didn't do it all while working up the tailpipe". -
CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED!!
T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS – OLD SANTA WAS PISSED.
HE CUSSED OUT THE ELVES AND THREW DOWN HIS LIST.MISERABLE LITTLE BRATS, UNGRATEFUL LITTLE JERKS. ...
I HAVE A GOOD MIND TO SCRAP THE WHOLE WORKS. ...I'VE BUSTED MY ARSE FOR DAMN NEAR A YEAR.
INSTEAD OF "THANKS SANTA" – WHAT DO I HEAR?THE OLD LADY BITCHES CAUSE I WORK LATE AT NIGHT…
THE ELVES WANT MORE MONEY –THE REINDEER ALL FIGHT.RUDOLPH GOT DRUNK AND CRASHED THE DAMN SLED.
DONNER IS PREGNANT, VIXEN'S OUT OF HIS HEAD.AND JUST WHEN I THOUGHT THAT THINGS WOULD GET BETTER,
THOSE ARSEHOLES FROM THE TAX OFFICE SENT ME A LETTER.THEY SAY I OWE TAXES – IF THAT AIN'T DAMN FUNNY.
WHO IN THE HELL EVER SENT SANTA MONEY?THE KIDS THESE DAYS – THEY ALL ARE THE PITS.
THEY WANT THE IMPOSSIBLE…THOSE MEAN LITTLE SHITS.I SPENT A WHOLE YEAR MAKING WAGONS AND SLEDS,
ASSEMBLING DOLLS, THEIR ARMS, LEGS AND HEADS,I MADE TONS OF YOYO'S –NO REQUEST FOR THEM…
THEY ALL WANT COMPUTERS…I'M NOT IBM!FLYING THROUGH THE AIR…DODGING THE TREES,
FALLING DOWN CHIMNEYS AND SKINNING MY KNEES.I'M QUITTING THIS JOB…THERE'S JUST NO ENJOYMENT.
I'LL SIT ON MY ARSE AND DRAW UNEMPLOYMENT -
I would like to share a personal experience with everyone about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ~ I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage!
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Good one Dale! -
Dear Wife, Dear Husband...
To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, with
your
54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value
you
as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you
will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
perturbed I shall be back home before midnight."When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining
room
table:"My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to
take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At
the same time, I would like to inform you that while you read this, I
will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who, like
your
secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with
your excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in
the
same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 a
lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back
before lunch time tomorrow." -
Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
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Heard this one on the way to work today on the Dennis Miller Show. . . I just about drove off the road. . .
@unknownuser said:
The owner of a monkey was outside of an IKEA store looking for his lost Rhesus Monkey. The animal in question was eventually captured by Animal Control Services and taken to a shelter, to be later given to a children's zoo. The Owner protested with the argument saying that Darwin, the name of the afformentioned primate, should be allowed TO CHOOSE where he would like to ultimately reside, whether it be with him or stay in the shelter.
The AC officer agreed and they went to visit Darwin in his cage. When asked what his preference was the Monkey scrawled the walls of his cage with his own Fecal Residue. . .
"Darwin like European Minimalist Style furniture at affordable prices"
That laid me out. . .
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**A British guide was leading a group of American tourists through Runnymede.
"It was here,” he announced, “that Magna Carta was sealed.”
“When?” asked one of the tourists.
“1215,” said the guide.
“Dammit,” said the tourist, glancing at his watch. “We missed it by a half an hour.”**
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A young cowboy from Southern Alberta goes off to University.
Half way through the semester, having foolishly
squandered all his money .... he calls home."Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at the University that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?" "Just send him here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the National Post, like he usually does". "Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?" The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!" The kid went on to law school, and is now a Liberal MP seeking re-election. -
Stick your tongue out.
Move it to the left.
Move it all the way over to the right.
Pull it back in.
Stick it back out.
Move it down as far is it will go.
Push it up as far as it will go.
Congratulations..
You have just completed the Steven Hawkins keep fit video.
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It is a sad and disappointing day when you realise your Universal remote control does not control the Universe.. Not even remotely...!
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I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help!
His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.
When he came back he handed her some diet pills.
Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him?
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Any Brits or Irish got any decent supermarket horsemeat jokes, or have they run their course? What's next, I wonder...my Lidl Pony...UniQuorn in the veggie burgers?
A duck walks into a post office and asks the man behind the counter: 'Do you have any corn?' The man answers politely: 'No, we don't have any corn here.' The next day, the duck enters again and asks: 'Do you have any corn?' Annoyed, the man answers: 'No! We don't have any corn.' This goes on for a couple of days until finally, when the duck asks 'Do you have any corn?', the man gets so upset he yells: 'NO! For the last time we don't have any corn, and if you ask again I'll nail your beak to the counter!' The next day, the duck returns and asks: 'Do you have any nails?' The man answers: 'No.' Then the duck asks: 'Do you have any corn?'
A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my backside.' The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.
The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.
They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?' -
Horse Jokes
If you think the horse burgers were good, you should try the meat balls......
They are the dogs B*****ks
I enjoyed my tesco horse burger, but still prefer my lidl pony
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