Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender he doesn't have any money but wants a drink, but instead of paying he will put on a spectacular show for the patrons. The bartender is skeptical, but say "OK lets see what you got"
The guy reaches under his coat a pulls out a little piano with about a foot tall man sitting at it, and on cue the little guy starts wailing away on the piano, and just wow's the bartender.
The bartender gets him a drink and asks him where he got the little guy, and the man replies "from this", and pulls out an old Genie bottle.
Well the bartender asks him if he can ask the Genie for a wish, and surprisingly the man agrees.
The bartender closes his eyes and makes his wish, and "BANG" the bar fills up with a bunch of ducks!
"I didn't ask for a million Ducks" screams the bartender, "I asked for a Million bucks"
The guy looks at him an replies " You think I asked for a twelve inch Pianist?" -
Genius. . .
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%(#FF4000)[(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.]
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,%(#0000FF)["Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey]
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,%(#804000)["Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign]
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%(#008000)["I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.]
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%(#4000FF)["Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC] . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,%(#4000BF)["That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas .]
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%(#408000)["Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark]
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,%(#4040BF)["It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President]
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%(#8080FF)["I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle],,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,%(#00FF40)["We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca]
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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%(#BF0000)["We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.]
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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%(#800000)["Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery]
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,%(#404080)["If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman]
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From the book “Disorder in the American Courts.” Quotes from actual court transcripts.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh….
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed
on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. -
@unknownuser said:
It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice PresidentActually that was a Quayle-ism, though that idiot Reagan uttered something similarly inane.
Jasper Carrott's take on the ultimate Country and Western song went something like -
"Since they took my momma off to prison
thing's ain't bin the same around the farm
now they gone and let'er out the gaolhouse
an'she drove her goddam truck into a train!"Perfection in a single verse.
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@alan fraser said:
From the book “Disorder in the American Courts.” Quotes from actual court transcripts.
Ahh... that made my day
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OK, this is based on a strange conversation that I had today with my friends:
Q: If you would be a girl for 50 sec what would you do? (we're all guys, just to note)
Guy1: I'll slap a guy then walk away
Guy2: I'll get away with murderer
Guy3: How big are my boobs first?
The rest is really dirty that I can't give away in public, so PM me if you wanna know what Guy3 said.
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@unknownuser said:
Governmentium (symbol=Gv)
when Super-density is achieved it becomes Gv-545 also known as Pelosium but thankfully. . .it is inert.
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The Pastor’s Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race
again, and it won again.The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get rid
of the donkey.The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
near by convent.The local paper, hearing of the news, postedthe following headline the
next day:NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN...
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.The bishop was buried the next day. -
Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married a woman, Maggie, half his age, All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a 'woman's' magazine and began to read things about sex. It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while..
To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip.
However, the Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax. So he recommended they hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted, "And that, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel" -
Widdle Wabbit
A precious little girl walks into a petsmart shop and asks,
in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me,
mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that
he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,
or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her
hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit." -
!
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A horse walks into a bar, the Bartender looks at him and says " Why the long face"
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@dale said:
A horse walks into a bar, the Bartender looks at him and says " Why the long face"
Classic! -
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or how about... A termite walks into a bar and says "Wheres the bar tender"
Just goes downhill from here... -
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Could I have a..."...
After some minutes he finishes... "a cold beer, please ?"
The bar man says, "Why the big pause ?"
"paws"
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A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "A pint of Guiness and a mop, please".
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk in to a bar. The first orders a pint, the second orders 1/2 a pint and the third 1/4 of a pint, at which point the barman proclaims "f*** this" and pours 2 pints.
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%(#FF4000)[A guy walks into a bar carrying a set of jumper cables.
The bartender says, "All right, I'll serve you, but don't try to start anything."]
A kangaroo walks into a bar, sits down and orders a martini. Bartender mixes it up, puts it on the bar and says "That'll be eleven dollars." The kangaroo arches an eyebrow but reaches into her pouch, pulls out a twenty and slaps it on the bar. Bartender picks it up and says "By the way, we don't get many kangaroos in here." "Yeah," says the 'roo, "And at eleven bucks a pop I'm not surprised."Guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to quick make ten double martinis. The bartender whips them up and puts them on the bar and the guy starts belt them back as fast as he can. After the 5th one the bartender says "Whoa, slow down there a bit"! The guy says, "If you knew what I had you wou would understand" and finishes all ten. The bartender says, "Listen buddy, I don't want to pry but what DO you have"? The guy says, "50 cents"
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okay . . .one more. . .
%(#4040BF)[So a blonde, strangely enough, has earned her pilots license for flying airplanes, but one day wants to fly a helicopter. So she ventures to the airfield where she is greeted by a pilot and says to him:
"I'd like to fly a helicopter". So the pilot says he'll coach her by radio when she's in the air. So she's climbing in the helicopter up and up until 3000 feet where the helicopter just drops, thankfully she survives, and the pilot asks her:
Why did you drop? and she said it got a little cold so she turned off the fan.]
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