Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?

Frederik

@unknownuser said:

Are - my - test - results - back?

Joe Wood

Couldn't resist posting this ..

mess with Iran.jpg

remus

disgustng joke alert

What do you call a fat chick with a yeast infection?

A whopper with cheese.

(i feel soiled now)

watkins

As they say, a picture is worth a thousand words.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=CnimqqWcqQU

Regards,
Bob

Gaieus

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch.

The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals"
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch?"
"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."

Joe Wood

A young guy from Montana moves to Seattle and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Montana "

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says "one".

The boss says "Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Cruise Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife", and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing!"

boofredlay

John, the farmer, was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), also called 'pullets,' and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilized eggs. The farmer kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen. But on this particular morning, John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all.

John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets all over the place with bells-a-ringing. The pullets, upon hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair, and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result... The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, but they awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly
coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year...the bells are not always audible.

redot

In English class one morning Mrs O'Connor asks her 7 year old pupils to use the word "Contagious" in A sentence.

Mary puts up her hand and says "My mammy wouldn't let my sister come to school today because she has chicken pox and is contagious".

"Very good Mary", says Mrs O'Connor. "Anyone else?"

Steven puts up his hand and says "I wasn't allowed to visit my cousin in hospital because my daddy said he was contagious".

"Well done Steven", says Mrs O'Connor. "One more?"

Little Jimmy puts up his hand and says "My mammy won't send my daddy to the shops because she says it takes the contagious".

david_h

a little Local Humor for you guys. . .

If Three BYU Coeds are standing on top of the Marriott Center (huge sports arena), A blonde, A Brunette and A Redhead, which would fall first?

The Marriott Center

What's the difference between a Univ of UTAH wedding and a BYU wedding?

UTAH wedding.. .the bride is pregnant. .

BYU wedding . .. the bride's mother is pregnant.

david_h

The dog food diet

I was buying Oscar a large bag of Purina Dog Chow at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?

Anyway, being my usual jerk, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I had lost 50 pounds before and wanted to give it another try, even though I had awakened in an intensive care ward with IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets, then simply eat one or two whenever you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, and it's the only diet that has ever worked for me.

By this time, practically everyone in the line was listening. The woman asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish setter's butt and a car hit us both.

remus

solo

AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that
I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas
station...

And then the fight started....

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

solo

If a turtle loses its shell is it naked or homeless?
If fire fighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight???
If nothing sticks to teflon, then how do they make teflon stick to the pan?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear seatbelts?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If love is blind, then why is lingere so popular?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If a black box flight recorder is never damaged in a plane crash, why dont they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If most car accidents occur within 5 kilometers of home, then why doesnt every one just move 5 k's away?
Why are psychics still working if they all know the winning lottery numbers?
If you try to fail, but you succeed, which have you done?

david_h

@unknownuser said:

If a turtle loses its shell is it naked or homeless?

As far as the Turtle is concerned. . .it's all semantics. Turtle.jp.jpg

just ask this guy.

boofredlay

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?

A: To stamp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?

A: To stamp out flaming ducks.

Gaieus

Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.

Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!

Q. Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS are going to merge?
A. Yeah. They're going to call it FED UP!

Q. What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
A. The car salesman can probably drive!

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Joe Wood

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WE'LL YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

"MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GREY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,'HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

''YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT A$$, GREY-HAIRED, DECREPIT, SON-OF-A-Beech ASKED;

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'