Fun little game: Part Deux, continued...
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bring me some Thea sinensis.
Kevin immediately complied knowing that the future of his immortal soul was riding on his response. To comply with His Holyness' request, Kevin . . .
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Immediately headed for the docks. He found a cargo ship about to leave for India. Kevin knew it was in the Assum region of India he would be able to personally select the finest tea leaves for the Pope. His timing was perfect - as if predestined. He spoke with the Captain who was happy to take Kevin to India provided Kevin would make tea for the crew. The Captain, in a moment that might foreshadow developments to come, knew a well-tea'd crew was less likely to mutiny. Kevin only sensed the Captain's pleasure to take him along for the voyage. The whistle blew. It was time to depart. Kevin followed the Captain to the bridge. There he met the First Mate. He was a short stocky man named...
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Ross Macintosh. Kevin couldn't shake the feeling that the name was familiar, two weeks into the voyage is dawned on him.
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As he moved closer Kevin realised Ross was not really short and stocky as was his first impression. Ross was in fact a tall, powerfully built man. Kevin couldn't help but notice how incredibly handsome Ross was. He had never seen such a beautiful person. The Captain introduced Kevin and Ross. Upon talking Kevin realized Ross was not only handsome but very intelligent and charismatic. Ross was also very humble and likable. Seeing the way the other crew interacted with the Captain and the First Mate, Kevin understood that Ross was the real, if unofficial, leader of the ship. The Captain in contrast was clearly a few bricks shy of a full load. A slovenly man, the Captain's name was...
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George Bush.
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Captain Bush, embarrassed by the similarity of his name to the 41st and 43rd Presidents of the United States, had adopted Ross Macintosh as his name on various Internet web fora. The captain, knowing that Kevin had assumed that Assum was the same as Assam, had taken Kevin on board for his own personal tea drinking pleasure. In reality, the ship was bound for the land of Assam, http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Assum the land of buttock's so big they looked plural.
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The shear horror of this made Kevin doubt his initial excitement about the trip. The Ross came to him with a problem "Kevin....
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"...I really need your help. Captain Bush is an evil little man who must never reach India. He intends to bomb the India Ink factory in an attempt destroy the Indian economy. He intends to have the cost of labour fall so much that even with his modest retirement savings he'll be able to employ many-many thousands of labourers to pick every last tea leaf in India. His plan is that within fourteen months he will control all the tea in the world!"
A stunned Kevin asked, "how do know this?" to which Ross replied that in addition to being such a beautiful person he was in fact also a spy. He explained that he had been infiltrating Internet forums posing as an architect but his real role was following all talk of tea for a secret agency known as XX9. The Agency's interest in tea relates to the antioxidant properties and the top-secret discovery at Area51 that alien spacecraft use antioxidants as a fuel source. The Agency has reason to believe Captain Bush's interest in taking over the tea market relates to a possible global invasion by Aliens. Captain Bush is either a puppet of the aliens or seeks to profit greatly when the aliens come for our resources. Either way he is an evil man who must be stopped.
Kevin thought about what Ross had said and he agreed to help. Furthermore he told Ross an idea he had an idea about how to stop Captain Bush. The idea was to...
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to distract the captain, Kevin the Office Tea Boy (whatever that is) told Ross. "Like this" he said, as he began a one man show of the musical "Cats." Our haphazard hero was very proud of his act, having spent many a night between teas practicing in front of a mirror in his mother's basement. He was eager to impress his idol with his dramaturgical talents.
Unfortunately (or perhaps, fortunately) for Kevin the Office Tea Boy (whatever that is), the spy Ross was more than a tall, powerfully built man who was incredibly handsome. He was also a man of action. Ross could see that the Tea Boy was getting lost in his own little world of tea and questionable theatrical talents. Ross didn't have time for this. He had a world to save. Grabbing Kevin by the shoulder, Ross lifted him off the ship's deck and shook him back and forth as a child would a rag doll (and for the powerfully built Ross, that is exactly what it was like).
"Get on with it, man! Get on with it"! Ross said sternly yet quietly enough so only the tea boy could hear.
After tossing Kevin into the ship's pilot house where Captain Bush was, the incredibly handsome spy Ross listened. Presently he heard shuffling that he recognized as the office tea boy's verrsion of dancing. Then Kevin's nervous voice singing "I'm the good ship lollypop..."
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Just as Ross was rolling his eyes and about to mutter some choice swear words, he heard Captain Bush start to laugh hysterically. Ross knew it was the Captain as his laugh was distinctive - sounding like a donkey crossed with a MK16 Combat Assault Rifle in full-automatic mode. Then all of a sudden there was a load thud and with it the laughing stopped cold. Moving a few steps closer and looking through the window into the Bridge, Ross could see the Bridge crew standing over an apparently dead or unconscious Captain Bush. Rushing in he exclaimed "what happened?". Navigator Mike Lucey explained that Kevin's performance had the Captain laughing hysterically and that all of a sudden the Captain collapsed. He either had a massive heart attack or ripped a gut -- either way the Captain was dead. Ross bluntly advised Mike and the other crew to feed the body to the sharks. As the Captain's limp body was dragged off the Bridge Ross turned to Kevin the Tea Boy and outstretched his hand. Shaking Kevin's hand, Ross expressed his sincere appreciation for the speedy yet unorthodox way Kevin had dispatched the Captain to his eternity in hell. Kevin just mumbled: "er.. thanks... I didn't mean to kill him" as he was still in shock from the unexpected reaction to his performance. Now that the mission was over, Ross asked Kevin the Tea Boy if there was anything XX9 could do for him. Kevin replied that he still needed to get to India as he still needed to select tea for the Pope. Ross spoke into his wrist watch -- apparently some kind of spy phone. Upon finishing a brief whispered conversation with the watch, he advised Kevin that XX9 Control told him...
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Meanwhile, in a land far, far away, in the Hall of Sketches, Gaieus is ruminating over his laptop when he is suddenly overcome with a sense of dread. The curly haired Susan Sorgesu sensed something is wrong and asked "What is it?"
Gaieus turned to the Susan and the other members of S7 and replied "I sense a disturbance in the world of SketchUp....one of the forum members is in trouble.....I sense suffering, confusion, and" Gaieus added, his eyebrow raised in consternation, "TEA"!
Just then the wall-sized Google Earth display sounded in alarm, its flashing red light a portent of doom.
Ross didn't get to finish his sentence, for he was interrupted by a figure dropping down onto the deck of the ship, the SS Cinatit. Ross was speechless as he stared at the beautiful chanteuse before him, her shapely body clad in a form-fitting black leather suit, a martini in her hand.
"Hello Ross. Or, should I say, DASH RIPROCK"?
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Ross replied "Ah Martina we meet again!"
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“Don’t Martina me!” she snapped, as the sound of a helicopter faded into the blackened void above them.
“The name’s Madame Martini to you, Sonny. Pretty boys with pretentious names like yours, just make me puke” she hissed.
“Where’s Kevin, the Office Tea Boy (whatever that is) who, unknown to him, is on a mission to save the world from global warming by discovering a tea plant that absorbs thousands of times its own weight in greenhouse gases – and also has the most tender tealeaves known to man?” she added as an afterthought.
DASH RIPROCK, cowering from the humiliation of this tongue lashing, pointed feebly at Kevin who was overcome by Madame Martini’s uncanny resemblance to his ……
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(insert adjective here) dreams. Kevin's face reddened in embarrassment when he realized this.
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his scarlet and gold pajamas.
Knowing that it was only his fantasies which kept him sane in an incomprehensible, indifferent universe, he tried to comprehend the ironic reality of Signorina Martini herself. Reverting to form, he said "Il mio nome è Kevin. Sono un allievo alla High School di Gympie. Spero di essere un ragazzo del tè (qualunque quello è) quando mi sviluppo in su, ma posso anche conservare il mondo." which translates into English as approximately "My name is Kevin. They are a student to the High School di Gympie. I hope of being a boy of the tea (any that one is) when me development in on, but I can also conserve the world."
Signorina, now Signora, Martini said "Ahh it is Kevèn. I knew my fiendish plan of posing as a teacher of Italian would pay off in more ways than it already had. Now, Kevin listen to me. Kevin, why don't you pass the time by playing a little solitaire?"
Immediately Keven asked for a deck of playing cards.
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. . . . . while Keven passed his time with a game of Solitaire, Kevin took a handkerchief from his pyjama pocket to mop his fevered brow. As he did so, a business card fell to the floor. Ms Martini surreptitiously gathered it up, feigning to adjust a buckle on her thigh-high, black leather boots.
She calmly noted the inscription as she slipped the card into the ample décolletage of her leather suit. It read:
Kevin RUDD
Tea Boy Extraordinaire
Dux of Gympie State High School [Italian Prize]I aim to please. Your pleasure is my pleasure.
Phone: +61744897651
Fax: +61744897652
E-mail: kevinrudd@bigpond.net.au
Address: c/- Tea Boys International
75 Lipton Gardens
London SW1V 4DB“Enough of this idleness!” declared a crestfallen DASH RIPROCK, regaining a smidgen of his previous manly composure. “Don’t we have a planet to save?”
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Madame Martini continued “I am the Asian head of the worldwide organization, P.O.P.E.[Purify Our Polluted Environments] NOW. I am here to brief you on your quest to find the one true plant. A plant that will halt our planet’s downward slide into a future full of death, pestilence and destruction -
Camellia sinensis var. magnificum.”
Kevin’s embarrassment intensified when he realized that the glamorous creature before him was none other than his Italian teacher from Gympie High, Ms Martina Martini whom he had secretly fantasized over, ever since he first clapped eyes on her, nearly two years ago.
He wondered whether or not she recognized him, dressed as he was in . . . . . . . .
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Kevin saw that Dash was getting stressed piped up and said "anyone fancy a brew?"
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Our wayward tea boy pulled out a complete tea service from his pajamas (they were very roomy and he had to fill them with something).
"Orange pekoe, anyone?" he asked.
The vampish Martina and incredibly handsome Ross stared at him, dumbfounded.
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Suddenly, Kevin the tea boy vanishes into a pile of pink sawdust, never to be seen again. And walking in with a sinister grin comes a ghastly figure, causing Ross and Martina to faint and be taken captive by...
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